"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."-1 Corinthians 13:4-8
I have written about the children’s book “The Giving Tree”
before because I have often thought about selfishness and selflessness and what
makes us generally one or the other. I
think of this book from time to time when I encounter givers and takers because
it is a clear distinction of how so many people are and how many relationships are
in real life. If you haven’t read the
book, it’s about a boy and a tree. The
boy loves to climb the tree’s branches and the tree is happy. As the boy grows older, he wants other things
and takes from the tree until the tree is nothing but a stump in the ground.
Even at the end of the book, the stump says “I
have nothing left to give you, I am just a stump” and the boy, who is now
an elderly man, says “I need somewhere to
sit.” And the tree is happy to give him a seat because that is who the tree
is.
What makes some of us little boys and some of us trees? Why are some people consistently selfish
while others consistently put the needs of others before their own? I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Is selfishness learned or inherited? Is it both?
What are the characteristics of a selfish person versus a selfless
person and what is their mindset like in comparison? Certainly we all know what’s right—we are all
supposed to put one another’s needs first, but what is it exactly that holds
some people back while others give everything they have without a thought of
themselves? Why is it so hard for givers
and takers to assume the other position?
I wrote about trust last week and it dawned on me that selfishness is directly tied to trust. Period. A selfish person can be a very good person at heart, or may want to be a good person, but he or she is ultimately fighting
off everyone they can in order to preserve themselves in whatever way. Why?
They don’t trust. Selfish people have to preserve their hearts, their
money, their desires, etc., because they don’t trust anyone else to give it to
them in return and they worry that they won’t be okay in the end. Whether they don’t trust in God, the will of
others, or that what they give will not be given back to them in return; there
is always some kind of worry there deep down.
People who live for themselves are the most unhappy, so why would
someone choose to be this way? Anxiety
and lack of trust, that’s why.
Selfless people are exactly the opposite. They seem to grasp the fact that they are
part of a bigger picture and that their actions impact others and therefore,
they are cautious about how they make people feel and contemplate the moves
they make. People who generally live for
others do it because they believe that we are all connected and that the
purpose of being here in the first place is FOR other people. Selfless people typically believe in a higher
power, whatever that may be and when you trust that your needs will be met, you
are comfortable giving in whatever way is needed at any given time, whether it
is money or commitment or love or the shirt off their backs.
Selfish people take. They
hoard. They don’t respect other people
and they look out for themselves and their own needs and desires. Selfish people don’t seem to understand that
their actions impact other people because they only think of themselves. This is actually very sad because while they look
like they “just care about number one”, in reality, they tend to feel very alone. They can’t see themselves connected to the
rest of the world, and therefore, why would they matter? Why would their actions matter on a daily
basis?
Being selfish is a decision.
Being selfless is a decision. If
you believe and trust in the fact that we are all special and important and
that our decisions and actions are all supposed to reflect one thing and one
thing only, you cannot be selfish—that one thing is this: loving others. By not giving to others when they have given selflessly to you, you in turn become the stump.
Being selfless is a good thing but none of us want to be the
tree who gives and gives and gives until all we are is an exhausted stump
because then we are no good to anyone.
Loving someone unconditionally is a beautiful thing, but God wants us to
be loved unconditionally as well because we are his children and we deserve to
be loved the way we love. The tree remains happy just to have the boy when in
reality the tree deserves more in return.
When you are selfless and you don’t use any discretion with your heart,
which you have to learn to do, your soul can become sad. You can feel like you are not enough, that
all you have to give is not enough, and it is a hard road learning that it
isn’t you, but it is the taker who has the problem. When you are consistent in loving and giving
to someone else, you should require the same for yourself. Someone who has the ability and makes the
choice to love selflessly deserves the very best.
The little boy is constantly taking what he can from the
tree in order to feel content, yet he never finds what it is that he is
searching for. He is filled with
discontentment and was given everything all along. If the boy would have given back to the tree,
perhaps he wouldn’t have been searching for so long and been sitting on a
stump.
What selfish people need to realize is this:
- · They are important.
- · Their worth is not measurable.
- · Their actions have an impact on others on a daily basis and throughout a lifetime.
- · The imprint we leave when we die is made up of a thousand actions that have the ability to create or sabotage.
- · Self-sacrifice is what we are called to do.
- · We are part of a bigger picture than just a self-portrait.
- · You are happy and content when you put others before yourself.
- · Trust and love leave no room for self-preservation because that isn’t a concern anymore once someone else matters.
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