So I don't know how I can write about dating and love and not see what's up with Tinder. Everyone talks about it. I've seen it. I've swiped the wrong way for my friends because I think it's funny...how can I not check it out myself and write about it?
Well I did.
My first message was from a man who said "Hello, pretty lady. This weekend. Pizza, beer and f******." I replied "Sorry, I don't like pizza" and unmatched him.
Within 24 hours, I had 48 matches. Two thoughts on this: I thought I was more shallow than that and if it's that easy, then why don't I meet people when I'm out? Can you imagine how terrifying it would be if Tinder was real life? Imagine 48 men all surrounding you at a barstool, all talking over each other and trying to get your attention. I would start screaming and covering my ears if that happened. How I feel when I'm Tindering is how a mother bird must feel feeding a nest full of needy, hungry baby birds, except instead of hungry baby birds, it's horny grown men who may or may not be lying to you.
Then you have to keep your matches straight. Tinder is like that old 80's game, Girl Talk. The game came with playing cards with the boys' faces on them with their interests. "Brad, likes football, hates sushi and wants to take you to a movie...." You get it. On Tinder it's the same, except that you have to remember more than "Mike from Buckhead, the one in the red shirt holding a beer." You have actually had conversations with them because they're real people, so you have to actually think. I have to scroll back up to remember if this one said he's from California and hates sushi, or is that Matt from Nebraska originally and loves playing golf? What's even funnier is that one of my friends is on Tinder and sends me screenshots and I say "I yeah! I saw that guy!" And it does actually resemble Girl Talk.
I put a tag on my profile that says "I do not prefer men who send dick pics entirely too early...." The guys who are into bathroom selfies and taking photos of just their body parts don't understand that, they probably don't laugh, and therefore they must swipe left on me a lot. This is ok because I am not the kind of girl who would swipe right for a muscular stump with no head anyway.
Facebook pulled from my pictures and I was pleased to see that I look like a spider monkey who likes to dangle from silk ribbons and wear costumes instead of clothes. I've had to explain that I'm not a circus entertainer or actress. I also learned that I look like a giant in pictures, unless I'm standing next to a person. 8 out of 10 guys have asked "So how tall are you?" I have made them guess and they are shocked that I am not 5'10, but only 5'3. Don't know what that's about. Must be the costumes.
You will see people you know. I know this because my friend, Adam, saw me and sent me a screenshot of my profile. Two minutes later, I saw him and swiped right just to message him over Tinder and call him a mean name. He proposed marriage to me, I declined and then I went to bed. The next day, he said his friend at work showed him my profile and said "Look at this girl! She's my match, she's pretty hot right?" Adam laughed and sent me a text about it. I didn't remember his friend, so I logged in to check. Turns out that while I was drinking last night, I started swiping at random because I'm a dumbass and thought it was funny. I had to clean up my mess this morning.
Sorry.
Tinder is an interesting experience, even if just for a day. It's what you make of it too. If someone uses it as a hook-up app, they can. If they want to genuinely meet someone cool, I think they can.
As for me, I have ADD and I can't handle my phone blowing up and shouting Squirrel!!!!!! every two seconds. I will be deleting it.
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