Jingle Ball

I had a panic attack at a Justin Beiber concert last night. 

Yes, I just said that.

I took my daughter and her friend because I love her very much and I am accustomed to doing things that I don’t particularly like to do because I want her to be happy and healthy.  All mothers who love their children are.  I got fat when I was pregnant.  I had a needle stuck in my spine and went through a scary surgery.  I changed a thousand dirty diapers and wiped snotty noses.  I went to a Beiber concert.  As a mother, you don’t think twice.  

I kind of knew I wasn’t going to particularly enjoy a concert that included Nick Jonas and like 5 other people I have never heard of, but what I wasn’t expecting is that I would walk in and feel like I was going to die.  We were very very high in Philip’s arena and it dawned on me that I have only been in the box when I have gone to Hawk’s games, so I had no idea what it felt like to be so high on such a steep mountain of people.   I have never been afraid of heights, but for whatever reason, this terrified me.  I started getting dizzy and nauseous and couldn’t breathe and the show hadn’t even started.  I was walking to my seat as if I were on the edge of a cliff because it felt gravity was pulling me into the giant pit.  I was the only person sitting down and looking like I was going to die.  Lindsey had a great time.  Her friend had a great time.  I looked really old and miserable.  

It was 4 HOURS LONG, so by the time Beiber came on stage, I really was ecstatic to see him because I knew it was almost over.  I almost cheered for Beiber.  I really almost did.   

I saw tons of alcohol being sold when I first walked into the arena and I thought “That’s really odd.  I guess the booze are sold for our sanity?”  Then I wondered how many parents might be driving their kids home under the influence. But by the time Beiber was on stage, I realized that adults WITHOUT children surrounded me.  That fact really sunk in after the older, dancing, drunken woman who was just above me slung her beer….all over my head. 

To see Lindsey that happy and excited, even for just a moment in her life, made the claustrophobia, the fear of falling, the loud, unrelenting teenage shrieks, the bad music, the horrific lyrics, the beer....on my head....totally worth it. 

    

Dusty Corners

I believe that the best gift you can give the people around you is having an understanding of who you are and loving yourself.  I love the quote above but it made me think....How can you have an appreciation for such a person if you don't know who the hell you are and what dustballs you're hiding? 

What is the best version of me?  What’s the best version of you?  To me, it’s a person who understands and forgives, doesn’t give into old demons but instead conquers new adventures, breaks bad patterns, loves better, gives more, forgives, lets go, changes, always tries for the better, understands his or her motives and actions, and in some lovely way, feels free and loves others as if they are free too. I have believed all of this for a long time and genuinely have tried getting “there” (as if it’s a final destination, haha) on my own.  I have always attempted to be self-reflective, to grow and be aware and although I have failed miserably at times, I have tried nevertheless.  Writing is amazing for the soul and it’s huge for me.  I wish everyone would give it a whirl.  It allows you to get things out that you don’t know are trapped inside of you and you do, without a doubt, grow.  In fact, I have grown to the point that sometimes I cringe when I see things I have written over the years. Even with writing to cleanse my soul though, I hit walls almost a year ago.  I hadn’t realized it but I had built walls over time around myself thinking it would ensure a different path, but when you lock yourself in a box and that box is there to serve as a source of protection, you don’t go down any path at all.  You are caged.  And most of the time, you end up repeating your past anyway within that cage by having a false sense of security.  Anyway, I started feeling like I was damned if I do, damned if I don’t.  

I haven’t divulged any of this because it’s so personal, but Merry Christmas!  Here is the best advice I can give you this year.  

An amazing person who has become one of my best friends found herself in my little trust circle.  I described some of the baggage I felt I was carrying around and she recommended an amazing counselor.  I have a tendency to be aware and analyze to the point that I think I can conquer things mentally, but then when things still haven’t totally fit, I have been perplexed by myself. I decided an outside observer might be helpful, an observer who has studied human behavior and understands the brain. I have been to counseling before but I never felt like they pushed me and quite honestly, I felt like I was smart enough to outsmart them, which is silly because why are you going if not to transform and dig at your baggage? I only gave them enough to give me a little bit of relief, but I never allowed myself to be vulnerable to the point that I would say things that would terrify and upset me and make me feel unhinged.  And if something did hit a nerve with past counselors, I knew to just not bring that up again or I wouldn’t go back at all.  This time it was different because I got to the point that I knew I couldn’t slap a Band-Aid on it anymore and so I made a commitment to go every week.  

Last March, my dad got sick.  That coupled with some other feelings I was having at the time kind of created a perfect storm.  I eventually figured out that his sickness was triggering some of the other feelings I was having.  I went in and said, “These are the things I need help with.  I want to understand my patterns, coping mechanisms, and I either want to get over something, grow out of it, or learn to cope with it. (This was one issue in particular.)”  I was so specific about my agenda that I laugh about it now because although it was helpful that I had such specific reasons for going, the turns I have taken and reasons I have cried, the ways I have changed, gotten stronger, become more aware and gotten to know myself are so…I don’t have words.  I highly recommend taking that leap.  You will hit a point where you won’t want to go back, and that’s exactly when you should go back. 

Below are some things that counseling is teaching me to do.  These tools will help you anywhere whether it’s work, with your kids, your friends, but especially in a romantic relationship because let's face it, that's usually the person closest to you, ideally.  A lot of people think counseling is stupid or that you are self-absorbed by going, but you won’t be so self-absorbed with other people if you are less twisted in your own messy baggage.  And if you are single, the best thing you can give your future spouse is a clear understanding of who you are.  You will pick a partner better if you can learn to do all of this and learn who you are….

I have learned…

1.    To be aware. I am more aware of what I am feeling and thinking and why.  I try to pay attention when I am stuffing my feelings or “analyzing” them to the point that I have a false sense of security.  

2.    Sometimes forgiveness isn't enough to let go.  I always thought that forgiving everyone who has hurt me was enough to move on.  Then I realized that it’s almost impossible to completely let go of what someone has done to you when you keep letting it dictate what you do in the future, even if you don’t hate or resent them.  For example, let’s say you have forgiven your father for making you assume the role of the adult, but then you surround yourself by people that always end up making you the “caretaker” because you know how to do it and you are comfortable in the role, if you continue to find yourself in the same situation with other people, your past is still your present and you are carrying it around regardless of whether you've forgiven anyone.  I have carried my baggage around not because I haven’t forgiven people, but because I keep finding myself in similar scenarios.  It’s odd, but sometimes you find yourself comfortable with the things that you agonize over and that keep you tied up, but only because it’s familiar, not because it’s healthy.  I have found more peace with those who have hurt me not because I like them anymore or hate them less, or anything like that…it’s because I am learning to expel similar situations from existing presently. 

3.     When I am uncomfortable, I ask myself why.  You know how if you aren’t scared to do something, you aren’t really being brave by doing it? That’s what this is like.  I am learning to be brave when I am uncomfortable by sitting with it and asking myself why I am uncomfortable, rather than sticking my head in the sand.

4.     When something feels comfortable, I ask myself why.  Am I comfortable because it’s truly good for me or the person is good for me?  Or am I just staying in an old, unhealthy pattern because it feels more natural? Am I afraid of something that feels uncomfortable because it’s new and better for me? 

5.     I pick up on patterns more easily. I cannot emphasize how important it is to examine your patterns. 

6.     I have triggers that make me react the same way that I did when I was a child. Certain things make me react a certain way. It is important to know what sets you off and WHY.  I ask myself why and then I try to cope in a healthy way, versus one that will only hurt me.    

7.     The child version of myself is still very present.  The things I am truly afraid to let myself feel today all started when I was a child and I have begun to understand why those things feel like mountains as an adult.  In fact, I have remembered things I had either forgotten about or repressed...yeah THAT was awesome.  Not.  You only repress the stuff that sucks.  

8.     That I deserve better. If you picture yourself as a child, what would you want for her or him?  It’s easy to say what you would want for your child, but often we love our children more than we love ourselves…at least I do.  When I started to picture myself as an innocent child, I forgave her for the mistakes she made as a teenager and adult and I wanted to hug her and protect her and tell her to let go of all that was holding her back. We were all innocent kids at one point and we need to remember that we are worthy of being treated well and being loved like we would want our child to be treated and loved…no matter what decisions we have made or what's been done to us thus far. 

9.     To be gentler on myself.  I am a perfectionist. I am too hard on myself.  I strive for a lot and wear myself out.  I have always felt like a whiner if I am not tough.  Someone used to tell me when I was a little girl to “suck it up” when I cried, so I did. And although being positive and smiley is great, it's those people who sometimes suffer silently and don't let on that they need help. Well, I have learned to cry without getting a giant ball of fire in my throat from holding it back and I am learning that it's ok to mess up sometimes. 

10. Figure out what you want for yourself, what's keeping you from having it, and start working on it. I have a plan that is both firm and bendy. I think one way to say this is that I'm learning to set up healthy boundaries. I know what I want, but I'm also open to more than I was a year ago. Ask yourself the questions that will change your life....and then get through the painful stuff.  You will be bound up until you do. 

I have a lot of shit together in my life, but I also have those “dusty corners” and the reason I went to counseling is so they wouldn’t haunt me anymore. Sweeping the corners sucks sometimes, but you find more peace looking over and seeing them clean from time to time rather than watching them get dirtier and dirtier.   I didn’t write about soul mates today, but I truly believe that to love someone else’s soul, you must first love and understand your own-that's why I said at the beginning of this post, the best version of yourself is the best gift you can give someone else.  

I hope if you are reading and feel like you need to get a broom out that this will be the year you do that for yourself.  It is truly worth every tear, dollar, and minute.  

Hail Mary (because she was human)

In some ways, just a mommy and her baby

I don't like what Christmas has become and yet I am guilty of doing what a lot of people do...I focus on buying presents, I watch Elf and Christmas Vacation, make cookies with the kids...and all of this is fine but it's completely useless if you don't remember, as they say, The Reason for the Season.  I guess this is one way I am reflecting....

I remember being surrounded by the Virgin Mary as a small Catholic schoolgirl.  I remember learning how to pray on my rosary, reciting “Hail Mary, full of grace.  The Lord is with thee.  Blessed are thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death….” over and over and over and yet I didn’t see her as human. She was Jesus's mother, she was a virgin (and therefore in my mind she was perfect) and we thanked and respected her for having him.    

I realize that I will probably say nothing groundbreaking here to anyone else, but have you ever found something to be so engrained in you that you fail to truly think about it on your own and then when you do, you think "Why didn't I see that before? DUH!!?"  That's how I feel some of the things I learned growing up in Catholic school, particularly about Mary.  

I was in Milwaukee for Christmas when I was 20.  I felt crappy because I was pregnant and under stress; I had just found out I was having twins and felt very much alone.  I was resting on the couch and Breath of Heaven started playing.  My mother played this Christmas album every year since it had come out, but this one time in particular, I started crying.  There were people who wanted me to have an abortion or give the kids up for adoption and I remember fighting and fighting and wanting to scratch and claw those particular people for suggesting that I do something I didn't want to do.  They were not just suggesting things, they were vicious toward me and I couldn't believe it.  I already loved my kids even though I was terrified and I hated these people for pressuring me and telling me that I could not raise them.  Anyway, I was on the couch listening to this song and I thought "Mary did it.  I will trust God too." I am not suggesting that I thought I was as special as Mary, but I did realize that God intended me to trust him just the same as she did.  And so I did.  And I told everyone who attacked me that I would prove them wrong....then I was quiet and did just that.  I never said even one nasty word to them.  I just concentrated on being a good mother and I knew they would eat their words. 

All of those Hail Marys I had recited mindlessly and it had never dawned on me to think of Mary as just a girl.  How faithful and obedient does a woman have to be to know she was going to go through the worst agony imaginable…losing a child?   I know how much I love my children and I can’t imagine knowing at their birth that I would someday lose them—not only lose them, but lose them brutally and unjustly.  Even if the plan was beyond imaginable and the purpose was to shed grace upon literally everyone I knew, I can't imagine the pain.  I think everyone assumes that because Mary had an understanding of what God’s plan was and because she was faithful to God that it somehow that made it easier on her, but I am not sure that in those hours of sadness and fear that it made it any more unpleasant.  She was human just like us and she had to be strong, like we all have to be from time to time.  She was also just a mommy.  She picked her son up when he fell, snuggled him and nursed him.  He loved her and kissed her back, all the while knowing he would be gone one day. Then she had to watch him suffer and die that day.  I guess I am happy that there are some things that a 10-year-old girl cannot possibly understand.  

Here is the song I am referring to.  I think the piano gets me as much as the words do....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8_475FKJWQ

Trust the Girls Who Trust

A couple days ago, one of my male friends found himself in a situation with his girlfriend and it’s prompted me to explain something about girls like me…that is, girls who blindly trust and love in relationships.  (Obviously this goes for men too, but since I am a female, I am speaking from my point of view.)

The friend I am referring to is a great guy and he is totally in love, yet he lied about something that was totally innocent.  He said the reason he lied is because he was trying to protect her.  BIG MISTAKE, guys.  He overthought it because he figured she would get mad or hurt her or worry and that’s not fair.  Long story short, she was hurt because he lied and didn’t trust her to trust him. 

GUYS, LISTEN UP!!!  There are girls out there who truly want the truth, who won’t get mad, who will trust you blindly, who will put their hearts into your hand, who are secure, who believe you when you say you will never hurt us, who don’t get jealous, who will protect you and accept you for who you truly are.  I say this from experience…I have witnessed guys lie about stupid things because they are afraid of making their girlfriends mad (of course this has happened to me personally) and it’s really such a slap in the face to that girl who has completely trusted you and believed in you.  It hurts our feelings that you don’t think we can handle the truth.  (YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!  Sorry, I had to say that like Jack Nicholson.)

I know that a lot of guys just think we are all crazy and this really irritates me, so here is what it’s like to walk around in a trusting girl’s brain who really is pretty freaking cool with who you are.  Don’t mess things up with a girl who believes the following…..

*Just a note, this is literally a random walk through my brain, so sorry if you get whiplash. 

My Thoughts on Why Being Single Forever Beats Faking It

I love true love and not the Disney kind but the Corinthians kind; the kind that can wrap around a person no matter what they have done, who they have been, what they look like, how much money they make, and what they say, do, or feel.  I also love trust, the kind that cries and hurts when it’s doubted.  My idea of what a romantic relationship looks like is very, very hard to find, but I know it has to exist because I figure if I have loved and trusted someone blindly, then someone else out there is also capable of loving me that way.  I won’t entertain anything else because I don’t believe it’s possible to love without trust and why be in a relationship without being loved for who you really are? 

Basically, it boils down to this:

If you know yourself and know that you are honest in relationships, if someone can’t trust you, you can no longer trust them.  If they can’t trust you, then that means they don’t know you and if they don’t know you, they can’t possibly love you and at that point, there is no point of being in a relationship where the person is in love with a person who is not at all you.

Not that complicated, right?  Ok, so maybe I made it complicated, but it’s really very simple.    

My Thoughts on Why People Lie

I think most people would agree that what I described above is ideal.  So why do people lie?  I think it boils down to only 4 reasons….

1.     People don’t like to be nagged and yelled at.  If this is happening, then are you really in a real relationship or is it a dictatorship? And if your actions are wrong and the person has a reason to be upset, then either get your shit together or get out and do whatever you want as a free person.  Either way, I just don’t understand being in a situation where you are not willing to have the conversation and where two people can’t be honest.

2.     People don’t trust the person they are with to love them unconditionally regardless of what they are doing, saying, thinking, or feeling.  It is really scary to tell the truth and be yourself sometimes because there is always the fear that we will lose what we have or we won’t be loved back for who we are, but you save a lot of time and issues if you can just be honest and be adults. 

3.     You are doing something that you wouldn’t want your significant other to be doing, or you are not sure that you would trust or approve of the situation.  If you feel weird doing something, ask yourself why. The Golden Rule is not complicated.  If you aren’t sure if he or she would like it, why not just ask them? If you have a conscience about it, where is that coming from?

4.     The person is legitimately doing something shady.  Why are you in a relationship again?  This is called having your cake and eating it too.  You are just an asshole, man.

My Thoughts on Being Straight Up and Being Real

1.     Hold out. Because I don’t feel like I have to be with someone to make me happy and I know I don’t have to be bothered with things that irritate me, I often look around at people in relationships where trust clearly isn’t there and I wonder why they bother when they don’t have to live that way.  This isn’t meant to sound judgmental, it’s more that I am making an observation from the other side, meaning, I have been in relationships where trust either never existed or was abused and eventually lost and then I later asked myself why I was ever in that situation to begin with.  It sucks being in that situation.

2.     Say no to the crap. I have always been an open book with the opposite sex and it hasn’t always been the smartest thing.  I always assumed that if I were honest, the guy would also be honest.  Sadly, that’s not always the case because it’s hard to find someone honest and people are freaking shady.   If you are honest, you deserve honesty in return.

3.     Tell the truth.  Tell the truth and ride it out. I don’t understand people who get mad at you for telling the truth.  Isn’t a lie worse?  

My Thoughts on Technology

People who are going to cheat are going to cheat regardless of technology and living in a bubble is just not feasible.  I understand that smart phones and apps and email and texts cause problems, but are they really the problem? Or are they just exposing problems that already exist?  I look at it this way….

1.     Everyone should have a lock on his or her phone.  You are an idiot if you don’t; it doesn’t make you shady, it makes you smart.  All it takes is one drunken night where you leave your phone at the bar and BOOM, your pictures, bank information, contacts, emails, are vulnerable. 

2.     I don’t have to give a man my passcode.  BUT, I will. 

3.    BUT if I give you my passcode and you check on me… I am done.  Relationship over. You don’t trust me, therefore you don’t know me, and so you may as well waste someone else’s time. 

4.     If you give me your passcode, I will never check.  And if I do, I am done and you should be too.

I just don’t know why that’s so complicated.  Why is it so terrible to trust blindly?  If someone cheats on you or lies to you, you are going to find out.  Why do people ruin things with preventative measures that don’t prevent anything at all, especially the inevitable?  Blaming social media and technology instead of a cheater is like blaming a gun instead of the psycho.   

My Thoughts on Why I Believe All of This

There is nothing more infuriating than not being trusted when you are honest and there is nothing more hurtful than being lied to when you have been brave and real and gone out on a limb.  Dishonesty and distrust ruins relationships. I have experienced the most stifling, awful relationships and also absolute freedom.  It would be awesome to be "allowed" to be or accepted as the same person in a relationship. 

My Thoughts on the Guys Who Don’t Believe We Exist

Stupid.  Wrong.  Should kick themselves in the asses. Don't lose a girl like this!