I believe that the best gift you can give the people around you is having an understanding of who you are and loving yourself. I love the quote above but it made me think....How can you have an appreciation for such a person if you don't know who the hell you are and what dustballs you're hiding?
What is the best version of me? What’s the best version of you? To me, it’s a person who understands and forgives, doesn’t give into old demons but instead conquers new adventures, breaks bad patterns, loves better, gives more, forgives, lets go, changes, always tries for the better, understands his or her motives and actions, and in some lovely way, feels free and loves others as if they are free too. I have believed all of this for a long time and genuinely have tried getting “there” (as if it’s a final destination, haha) on my own. I have always attempted to be self-reflective, to grow and be aware and although I have failed miserably at times, I have tried nevertheless. Writing is amazing for the soul and it’s huge for me. I wish everyone would give it a whirl. It allows you to get things out that you don’t know are trapped inside of you and you do, without a doubt, grow. In fact, I have grown to the point that sometimes I cringe when I see things I have written over the years. Even with writing to cleanse my soul though, I hit walls almost a year ago. I hadn’t realized it but I had built walls over time around myself thinking it would ensure a different path, but when you lock yourself in a box and that box is there to serve as a source of protection, you don’t go down any path at all. You are caged. And most of the time, you end up repeating your past anyway within that cage by having a false sense of security. Anyway, I started feeling like I was damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
I haven’t divulged any of this because it’s so personal, but Merry Christmas! Here is the best advice I can give you this year.
An amazing person who has become one of my best friends found herself in my little trust circle. I described some of the baggage I felt I was carrying around and she recommended an amazing counselor. I have a tendency to be aware and analyze to the point that I think I can conquer things mentally, but then when things still haven’t totally fit, I have been perplexed by myself. I decided an outside observer might be helpful, an observer who has studied human behavior and understands the brain. I have been to counseling before but I never felt like they pushed me and quite honestly, I felt like I was smart enough to outsmart them, which is silly because why are you going if not to transform and dig at your baggage? I only gave them enough to give me a little bit of relief, but I never allowed myself to be vulnerable to the point that I would say things that would terrify and upset me and make me feel unhinged. And if something did hit a nerve with past counselors, I knew to just not bring that up again or I wouldn’t go back at all. This time it was different because I got to the point that I knew I couldn’t slap a Band-Aid on it anymore and so I made a commitment to go every week.
Last March, my dad got sick. That coupled with some other feelings I was having at the time kind of created a perfect storm. I eventually figured out that his sickness was triggering some of the other feelings I was having. I went in and said, “These are the things I need help with. I want to understand my patterns, coping mechanisms, and I either want to get over something, grow out of it, or learn to cope with it. (This was one issue in particular.)” I was so specific about my agenda that I laugh about it now because although it was helpful that I had such specific reasons for going, the turns I have taken and reasons I have cried, the ways I have changed, gotten stronger, become more aware and gotten to know myself are so…I don’t have words. I highly recommend taking that leap. You will hit a point where you won’t want to go back, and that’s exactly when you should go back.
Below are some things that counseling is teaching me to do. These tools will help you anywhere whether it’s work, with your kids, your friends, but especially in a romantic relationship because let's face it, that's usually the person closest to you, ideally. A lot of people think counseling is stupid or that you are self-absorbed by going, but you won’t be so self-absorbed with other people if you are less twisted in your own messy baggage. And if you are single, the best thing you can give your future spouse is a clear understanding of who you are. You will pick a partner better if you can learn to do all of this and learn who you are….
I have learned…
1. To be aware. I am more aware of what I am feeling and thinking and why. I try to pay attention when I am stuffing my feelings or “analyzing” them to the point that I have a false sense of security.
2. Sometimes forgiveness isn't enough to let go. I always thought that forgiving everyone who has hurt me was enough to move on. Then I realized that it’s almost impossible to completely let go of what someone has done to you when you keep letting it dictate what you do in the future, even if you don’t hate or resent them. For example, let’s say you have forgiven your father for making you assume the role of the adult, but then you surround yourself by people that always end up making you the “caretaker” because you know how to do it and you are comfortable in the role, if you continue to find yourself in the same situation with other people, your past is still your present and you are carrying it around regardless of whether you've forgiven anyone. I have carried my baggage around not because I haven’t forgiven people, but because I keep finding myself in similar scenarios. It’s odd, but sometimes you find yourself comfortable with the things that you agonize over and that keep you tied up, but only because it’s familiar, not because it’s healthy. I have found more peace with those who have hurt me not because I like them anymore or hate them less, or anything like that…it’s because I am learning to expel similar situations from existing presently.
3. When I am uncomfortable, I ask myself why. You know how if you aren’t scared to do something, you aren’t really being brave by doing it? That’s what this is like. I am learning to be brave when I am uncomfortable by sitting with it and asking myself why I am uncomfortable, rather than sticking my head in the sand.
4. When something feels comfortable, I ask myself why. Am I comfortable because it’s truly good for me or the person is good for me? Or am I just staying in an old, unhealthy pattern because it feels more natural? Am I afraid of something that feels uncomfortable because it’s new and better for me?
5. I pick up on patterns more easily. I cannot emphasize how important it is to examine your patterns.
6. I have triggers that make me react the same way that I did when I was a child. Certain things make me react a certain way. It is important to know what sets you off and WHY. I ask myself why and then I try to cope in a healthy way, versus one that will only hurt me.
7. The child version of myself is still very present. The things I am truly afraid to let myself feel today all started when I was a child and I have begun to understand why those things feel like mountains as an adult. In fact, I have remembered things I had either forgotten about or repressed...yeah THAT was awesome. Not. You only repress the stuff that sucks.
8. That I deserve better. If you picture yourself as a child, what would you want for her or him? It’s easy to say what you would want for your child, but often we love our children more than we love ourselves…at least I do. When I started to picture myself as an innocent child, I forgave her for the mistakes she made as a teenager and adult and I wanted to hug her and protect her and tell her to let go of all that was holding her back. We were all innocent kids at one point and we need to remember that we are worthy of being treated well and being loved like we would want our child to be treated and loved…no matter what decisions we have made or what's been done to us thus far.
9. To be gentler on myself. I am a perfectionist. I am too hard on myself. I strive for a lot and wear myself out. I have always felt like a whiner if I am not tough. Someone used to tell me when I was a little girl to “suck it up” when I cried, so I did. And although being positive and smiley is great, it's those people who sometimes suffer silently and don't let on that they need help. Well, I have learned to cry without getting a giant ball of fire in my throat from holding it back and I am learning that it's ok to mess up sometimes.
10. Figure out what you want for yourself, what's keeping you from having it, and start working on it. I have a plan that is both firm and bendy. I think one way to say this is that I'm learning to set up healthy boundaries. I know what I want, but I'm also open to more than I was a year ago. Ask yourself the questions that will change your life....and then get through the painful stuff. You will be bound up until you do.
I have a lot of shit together in my life, but I also have those “dusty corners” and the reason I went to counseling is so they wouldn’t haunt me anymore. Sweeping the corners sucks sometimes, but you find more peace looking over and seeing them clean from time to time rather than watching them get dirtier and dirtier. I didn’t write about soul mates today, but I truly believe that to love someone else’s soul, you must first love and understand your own-that's why I said at the beginning of this post, the best version of yourself is the best gift you can give someone else.
I hope if you are reading and feel like you need to get a broom out that this will be the year you do that for yourself. It is truly worth every tear, dollar, and minute.
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