I recently started reading about Attachment styles and I feel
like I struck gold because it all makes so much sense to me. If you have ever wondered why you do
something in a relationship or behave in a certain way, read up. The ways we cope have a lot to do with how we
learned to bond and trust as children and it drastically can have an effect on
our adult romantic relationships. You
can fix it, but you have to understand what you’re doing and identify your
motivations before changing. That makes
understanding Attachment Theory and how it affects your behavior in relationships
(and how others are functioning) very useful.
Attachment theory is the study that attempts to describe how humans
interact in relationships and there are 4 types: Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant.
Secure
Attachment:
When someone has a secure attachment style, they are usually
comfortable in their relationships. They
feel connected to their mates, but they are comfortable feeling free and allow
their partner to feel free. They are
able to be honest, open, and independent but seek intimacy from their partner
in a healthy way.
I have read a lot about the following three attachment styles
lately and one of the things I read, and I am not necessarily saying this is
true but it’s an interesting thought, is that people with secure attachment
styles most often find each other in the pool, which leaves everyone else left
with each other. After you read all of
the attachment styles below, you might understand how when these are paired
together, there might be a little friction or chaos….that’s what I realized
anyway.
I have also attached a link to an online test, if you are
interested in finding out what group you are in.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment:
A person with this type of attachment wants to form a fantasy
bond, which is an intense emotional hunger and they will push and push for that. They want to be rescued and they look to
their partner to make them feel complete.
This can be overwhelming for the person they are in a relationship
with. Their actions often push their
partner away because they often become demanding and possessive because they
are insecure, feeling unloved and unfulfilled.
They aren’t trusting of their partner and when their possessive actions finally
do push their partner away, they feel validated and think they were right not
to trust them. This results in a future
pattern of not trusting people and expecting others to hurt them.
Dismissive-Avoidant:
People with this type of attachment are hard to get close
to. They are afraid of commitment and purposely
emotionally distance themselves from their partners when they are uncomfortable. They seek a kind of pseudo-independence and tend
to only focus on themselves and no one else.
Not only is it hard for them to get close to people in romantic
situations, but sometimes even their close friends aren’t able to get
close.
Dismissives might say things like “I don’t need others. I am fine
the way I am" but then they crave
affection and intimacy because all humans do.
When they do get the attention and affection that they need, they are then
afraid of it and this causes them to push the person away. When someone gets too close, they engage in deactivating strategies, which keep
intimacies in check. For example, a
dismissive might cut someone off who gets too close and have excuses for why
they are doing it. They might say things
like they aren’t ready to commit, but might wind up staying in the relationship
for years. They say they are afraid of
losing their freedom, they focus on small imperfections in their partner, they might
pine over an ex girlfriend or boyfriend, flirt with others, and pull away from
their partner when things are going well—for example, maybe they won’t call
after an intimate date. They leave
things fuzzy in order to maintain their independence and tend to run from the person
who gets the closest to them. Usually a dismissive has had a previous
relationship that ended badly and the memory of the person is used as a weapon
against their partner whenever they get too close. They might tell their partner or themselves
that that mate will never measure up. It’s
been found that dismissives tend to become workaholics. They also tend to look
for less demanding relationships when their primary partner might require real
intimacy. They even try to avoid intimacy altogether.
Fearful-Avoidant:
This is the most complicated attachment style. The fearful-avoidant is afraid to be close to
someone because they might get hurt, but they also fear distance and crave the closeness. They try to keep their feelings under
control, but they often end up overwhelmed and tend to be mixed-up and
unpredictable. They experience anxiety from their emotions
but aren’t able to run away, which means that they don’t know how to get their
needs met by others. For example, they
may seek safety from the exact person that they are afraid of and mixed-up
about. Fearful-avoidants often wind up in
dramatic relationships with lots of up ups and downs, sometimes even winding up
in abusive relationships. They struggle
with abandonment but also with being intimate.
They cling when they feel rejected, but they feel trapped when they are
close. This type often has features of
both neglect and abuse, maybe from a history of rejection or an absent
parent. He or she believes deep down
that there is something about them that will result in rejection if a person
gets too close and therefore, they might distance themselves. But then they need to be loved. This winds up in a cycle.
The fearful-avoidant might have low confidence or feel that they
are never good enough; they may become passive in relationships and blame
themselves when the relationship fails. They might have poor communication with
their partner and avoid conflict at all costs.
Here is a quiz you can take online if you are interested in
seeing where you might land. There are
two more listed: dependent and co-dependent, but I don’t understand why those
two are listed as separate styles since all three of these are in a way,
co-dependent by themselves.
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