I was in traffic last week and I looked over and saw a
couple fighting on I-75. I immediately looked
forward and thought “I am so glad that’s
not me. That sucks.” Then I started
thinking about all of the little, stupid stuff that I used to fight with my old
boyfriends about and it wasn’t a very long thought because honestly, I really couldn’t
remember anything. I know there had to
be little things that we fought about, so why can’t I remember now?
What I do remember is the really big stuff. The big issues. The deal breakers. I suppose that is a good thing. For example, I remember a high school boyfriend screaming at me because his friend looked at my boobs and I remember replying that I didn’t live in Saudi Arabia and if I wanted to, I would move there. That didn’t make it any better; I remember the fight being really long and horrible and thinking before putting a shirt on from that point on. Ass. Anyway, I remember every one of those instances that changed who I was and made me feel like less of a person, and in my mind, they all have a big exclamation point on the end of them and they are highlighted in bold. But I don’t remember fights about what we were watching on TV or what we were having for dinner. I also don’t remember old boyfriends’ smells, I don’t remember how they snuggled, I don’t remember the annoying or cute things that they did to drive me insane, and the day of their birth passes without a thought from me every year that passes by. It’s as if they existed purely for the experience and that’s all I really took away when it was over. They’re just ghosts.
What I do remember is the really big stuff. The big issues. The deal breakers. I suppose that is a good thing. For example, I remember a high school boyfriend screaming at me because his friend looked at my boobs and I remember replying that I didn’t live in Saudi Arabia and if I wanted to, I would move there. That didn’t make it any better; I remember the fight being really long and horrible and thinking before putting a shirt on from that point on. Ass. Anyway, I remember every one of those instances that changed who I was and made me feel like less of a person, and in my mind, they all have a big exclamation point on the end of them and they are highlighted in bold. But I don’t remember fights about what we were watching on TV or what we were having for dinner. I also don’t remember old boyfriends’ smells, I don’t remember how they snuggled, I don’t remember the annoying or cute things that they did to drive me insane, and the day of their birth passes without a thought from me every year that passes by. It’s as if they existed purely for the experience and that’s all I really took away when it was over. They’re just ghosts.
Then I started thinking about how odd it is that if I can’t
even remember the little stuff from prior relationships, then why is it the little
stuff exactly that makes me shudder when I think about being in a relationship
again? This might sound stupid to
someone else, but I like that I get to hold the remote control. And I don't even watch TV. I like that I can have a million pillows on
my bed without someone telling me it’s stupid.
I like that I can plan my whole weekend according to what I want to do
or what the kids are doing. I like that
I don’t have to touch red meat anymore because it’s nasty mashing flesh in a
bowl with my hands. I like to be alone sometimes. Then I remember....you don’t care about the remote control
when you love someone. You throw your
stupid pillows off the bed just to make room for them. You don’t want to do it your way all the
time. You even want to cook nasty flesh
in a bowl for someone you love. The list goes up in the air and comes right down for someone you love.
What list?
All being single really is is this: You have one list of things you don’t want to give up and then you hold that up to the person in front of you. When the list wins, you are single. When someone chooses their list over you, you move on. End of story. It is about compromise and what people are willing to do for you and what you are willing to live with and that's really as simple as it is. What I wasn't prepared for is that the list just gets longer and longer the older I get and the more comfortable and happy I am alone. My list includes things like the "I want to hold the remote control" but also things like "he can't yell at me if his friend stares at my boobs" and "must be willing to be adventurous." Next year it will be even longer, I am sure, which is really frustrating because it would be awesome if I could give up the list simply for one thing...protection in the middle of the night when I hear a loud noise, and trust me, when I hear a noise in the middle of the night, I would THROW the remote control at a man and let him watch whatever stupid show he wants to watch. But I am rambling now.
Could it really that simple? Could it all boil down to this one thing? Yes. And it doesn't change when you are IN a relationship, hence the reason for fighting.
Relationships are a contract. Marriage is a contract. People negotiate all the time, whether they are on a first date or fighting about chores after 10 years of marriage. Good relationships and connections are a blessing and people need to realize that. The person you are with held up their piece of paper and chose you. And every day that you both are making it work and your significant other is making you happy, they are choosing you still.
Remember this, for me, the single gal....the reason all of the little stuff dies when you get out of a relationship, including memories of the stupid fights, is because it’s the little stuff, good and bad, that make you you, that make you a couple. The inside jokes, how you feel when you are together, the little annoying and adorable things that make you crazy, it's all the little stuff that happens when it's just the two of you. All of that is important and it's what dies when it's over. It takes a long time to trust someone, to get to know someone, to really love someone. It takes a long time to figure out someone’s moods and quirks and baggage and if you have found someone who is willing to dance with you, you are lucky. It takes time to develop those things. In my opinion, that’s lovely and I can only hope that I am willing to put the list down again, one day.
What list?
All being single really is is this: You have one list of things you don’t want to give up and then you hold that up to the person in front of you. When the list wins, you are single. When someone chooses their list over you, you move on. End of story. It is about compromise and what people are willing to do for you and what you are willing to live with and that's really as simple as it is. What I wasn't prepared for is that the list just gets longer and longer the older I get and the more comfortable and happy I am alone. My list includes things like the "I want to hold the remote control" but also things like "he can't yell at me if his friend stares at my boobs" and "must be willing to be adventurous." Next year it will be even longer, I am sure, which is really frustrating because it would be awesome if I could give up the list simply for one thing...protection in the middle of the night when I hear a loud noise, and trust me, when I hear a noise in the middle of the night, I would THROW the remote control at a man and let him watch whatever stupid show he wants to watch. But I am rambling now.
Could it really that simple? Could it all boil down to this one thing? Yes. And it doesn't change when you are IN a relationship, hence the reason for fighting.
Relationships are a contract. Marriage is a contract. People negotiate all the time, whether they are on a first date or fighting about chores after 10 years of marriage. Good relationships and connections are a blessing and people need to realize that. The person you are with held up their piece of paper and chose you. And every day that you both are making it work and your significant other is making you happy, they are choosing you still.
Remember this, for me, the single gal....the reason all of the little stuff dies when you get out of a relationship, including memories of the stupid fights, is because it’s the little stuff, good and bad, that make you you, that make you a couple. The inside jokes, how you feel when you are together, the little annoying and adorable things that make you crazy, it's all the little stuff that happens when it's just the two of you. All of that is important and it's what dies when it's over. It takes a long time to trust someone, to get to know someone, to really love someone. It takes a long time to figure out someone’s moods and quirks and baggage and if you have found someone who is willing to dance with you, you are lucky. It takes time to develop those things. In my opinion, that’s lovely and I can only hope that I am willing to put the list down again, one day.
That's what I would have told that couple fighting on I-75.
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