I got a lot of feedback about the blog yesterday. A lot of people (male and female) said it resonated with them, and then I got this question over and over.....But what do you do when you do your part and nothing gets better? Cheat? Have an open marriage? Deal with it? End it? Obviously, I'm not a doctor, and if you're at the point that you are thinking this, one would assume you've discussed it and tried counseling first. I say this because you should. But sometimes it doesn't work for whatever reason or someone doesn't want to go. If that's the case, these are the inevitable scenarios that get weighed and here are my personal opinions on each of those things, and that is all they are...my personal opinions.
- Cheating is never a good idea-not only is it wrong because it's a lie, but because you compromise yourself. If you end a relationship in which you gave your all, you deserve to know you did everything you could to make it work. Even if you think the other person deserves it, it's still not the answer. I don't believe in being in relationships and having one foot in and one foot out. First of all, it doesn't work. Secondly, it's stupid because it completely contradicts what a relationship is. If you really have tried and you're getting no response, do you really think it's fair to be made out to be the bad guy because you did something that was inevitable? Especially if you have children. If you have been abandoned, then you ride out being you and they have to deal with the fact that they didn't step up to the plate.
- Open marriages, while they seem like they're sparing everyone from the pain of a divorce, in my opinion, are not the answer either. I don't believe that marriage should be open because that's not what a marriage is. In fact, it's the opposite of what marriage is. Plus, it doesn't even work. Here's why....people get knocked up, pass on STD's, and fall in love...then they get divorced. So why not stop being a poser and get a divorce? While some women may think "Well, I don't want to lose my family and house and life, but I just have no interest in sex anymore, so I will just let him do his thing," they miss the fact that men don't (as much as we think they do) just think with their penis. They have emotions too and they could easily fall in love with someone. If the roles were reversed, which is probably less likely statistically, I think the risks would be the same. Plus, watch Fatal Attraction. What if the girlfriend or boyfriend ends up crazy? In my mind, if you are supposed to be in a safe bubble, an open marriage is like setting off a bomb within your bubble. Catastrophic. I just don't get the point of living a lie. Being honest and divorced seems a lot better to me than making a mockery of your life. You should always be true to yourself.
- Deal with it. This sucks. I couldn't do it, but like I have said over and over, a relationship is a partnership and you're a team and it isn't fair to have to just deal with it. Why be in a relationship if you're ignored? I guess you hang in there for the kids, but are you teaching the kids that you're supposed to be cold and distant? I think this all depends on how much having a connection with your spouse means to you. Some people are fine with just being roommates, but I am not, and there is no way I could handle this because the idea of a relationship and marriage means so much to me. You can't grow as a person while being miserable every day.
- Divorce. I think it should be avoided at all costs but people are stupid if they don't think you can be pushed to the decision to part ways, especially today when it's easier to do so. My parents are divorced and I have been against it for years and years because I had to go through a lot as a child. But there comes a point sometimes where you're standing there with your hands tied behind your back, not only as a spouse or a parent, but as a human being, saying "Really? Really? What the hell am I supposed to do?" There are religious things to consider, if you are religious, and then you can be straight up logical about it. What would be logical is this: If a person checks out of the relationship but you're married on paper, well then you were abandoned long before and the paper is just a technicality and what's left of what's really there....nothing. What does the paper mean if there's no substance? I believe that God is more merciful than that and we're not fooling him by just walking around with a piece of paper. What are you supposed to do when you're backed into a corner? Love, sex, and affection are needs just like food and water. What do people do when they're starving? They steal. They are compromised and do things they wouldn't normally do. In my eyes, divorce can be the same thing. BUT like I said, it's a last resort.
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