Under a Pillow

 

Do you ever wish you could just stuff yourself under a pillow and tell the world to F off? 

 

I took a break from writing because I needed to be quiet with my thoughts for a minute.  This isn't the first time I have done this and said this.  I feel like things get messy when I don't take a second to focus and think and be alone.  Most of the time, writing is the only way I CAN think...but when I get really cloudy and overwhelmed, I can't even write because I don't know what I am thinking or feeling.  When I get to that point, I have to be alone and I don't want to talk to anyone about anything important because I will not have anything to say that makes any sense.  When I say I need to be alone, my friends worry that I am depressed because I am such a talkative and social person, but it's not that I am depressed, it's that things have gotten too loud around me and I feel like I am reacting to things rather than doing things on purpose.  I think everyone needs to take time to get centered....so that's what I was doing.

 

I know that everyone has to feel this way from time to time.  This world is crazy and loud and I can't believe that we are meant to live this way.  Maybe I am more sensitive to everything around me, but I don't think that I am.  We are constantly bombarded with to do's and responsibilities and while trying to accomplish everything under time restrictions, we then throw in a little bit of self-loathing because we don't have time for our relationships or cleaning out that junk drawer.  We beat ourselves up for not being more sensitive to others, for not being perfect ourselves, and for all that we fail to complete in a day.  We are aware that time is whipping by and our children are growing, or that people are settling down and we are not (if that's where you are), and so we are torn between making the best of our time by getting things done, and sitting and just enjoying things.  I have a hard time doing nothing because I have a hard time sitting still, but often, I just feel guilty because I should be doing something productive.  If you only have so many days on earth, shouldn't you be doing as much as you can?  Or since you're going to die one day, should you chill and look around and tell everyone to bite you and that you'll either get to it or you won't? 

 

The picture above is a good illustration of how it feels to be an adult sometimes.  Upside-down, hiding under a pillow from the never-ending list of to-do's, while your childhood escapes you. 

 

Michelle, Kellie, Brea and I had a video call last night for almost 2 hours.  It was so much fun.  I told them some of the things I was planning on doing because I can't just sit here without a long term plan and Brea said "I feel like you already do so much though....".   She thinks I should get certified to be a yoga instructor rather than go back to school, so I said I would do both. 

 

It dawned on me that maybe I have a habit of overextending myself which means that I am actually my own worst enemy.  I have a motor that is making me go a million miles per hour and I don't know how to slow down because if I do, I am unhappy and bored.....but then like anything that becomes overwhelmed, I crash and feel like hiding from everyone and everything.  All I need is like 12 more hours in a day and then I think I could do everything.......

 

Sometimes I wish I could be happy in a recliner watching TV.