The MIA Douchebag

I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on the male population.  I fully understand and can usually identify the Players, the Whores, the Prudes, the Nice Guys, the Serial Monogamists, the Serial Singles, the Liars, the ADD Texters, the Stage 5 Clingers, the Confused, the Cheaters, the Brilliant and the Idiots.....but there is one man I don't understand at all.  This man is the MIA Douchebag and he disappears so suddenly that you have to assume one the following:

1. He has an STD and he is too afraid and guilt-ridden to take it any further with you.
2. He died.  OR.....
3. He was kidnapped by terrorists.

That's it.  There is no explanation, no bad ending, no conversation, no nothing with these ball-less men.  They leave you to assume that they died in a car crash and what's bizarre is that they are perfectly fine with that. I mean, what does your soul look like when you are just fine letting someone assume you died?  Black and crusty.  That's what it looks like.

Let me clarify a few things before I move on.   Just yesterday I got a text from a guy that said "You disappeared again"....I tend to do that, but only because I am busy and I have ADD.  There is the difference between me and the MIA Douchebag: I am a bad texter with almost everyone, even my mom, and everyone understands that about me.  Eventually I will answer you and especially if you ask me if I am dead.  I would make sure not to disappear though if I were A.) Sleeping with someone B.) Dating someone or C.) Wanted to sleep with or date someone.  Why not? Because the rules are just different when you are pursuing someone romantically or sexually, says me, and I am pretty sure everyone else on the planet who isn't a douchebag would say the same thing.  You don't have to be smothering, in fact, PLEASE DON'T CLING, but you also can't just evaporate without a reason when you are "talking" or dating.  I would have the courage to say any of the following to a guy I am not interested in: "I like someone else" or "I am too busy for a boyfriend" or "I just don't like you that way" and I would at the very least tell him that I am still alive.   Actually, I have said all of these things....but yet men with actual balls don't. 

This kind of man doesn't care if you think he's dead.  He also doesn't care what you think of him. In fact, he probably hopes you will assume he died so he has a good excuse for being a prick.

My friends have all experienced this.  My limited dating experience left me wondering if I have ever seen this before and then I realized, I have.  First of all, understand that these are not men who are having sex with the girl and leaving after that.  That's not what's going on.  These guys don't even get that far before faking their death.  Why?  I would understand it more if they "got what they wanted" but that would put them in the player and whore categories and these guys are not getting anything at all.  They just simply bail without a "Peace Out".

One of my friends recently experienced this (and she is NOT a clingy girl, just so you understand what we're dealing with here); this douchebag was texting her every day, hanging out with her, and the last thing he said was that he wanted to see her again.  Like a week or two later, she hadn't heard from him.  She texted him "I hope you're still alive" and he said nothing.  We like to say he fell off a cliff and died on impact.  Another one of my friends has been experiencing the same thing.  It's happened to her THREE TIMES. They are totally interested until the moment they disappear.  I think a serial killer got them one by one.....this serial killer was targeting douchebags. 

I might have told my friends that they were doing something wrong until I realized that I have seen this before.  This guy tried going out with me for about a year.  I finally said yes, we planned on going out, that night something came up, and now he's dead I assume.  I don't know how in the world you can go from damn near breaking down a girl's door to not even going out on that date you said you wanted so badly.  My last words to him were "I hope you're not dead".  I never heard back, so I guess he is.  The Douchebag Serial Killer got him too.

If a person wants to pursue another girl or guy, gets scared, gets bored...whatever the reason, everyone deserves an answer, or at least the blow-off text that 99% of the population can understand.  The 1% who doesn't understand has friends who are going to tell him or her that he or she is being blown off if he or she doesn't get it.  If someone says "Are you alive?"  You should at least answer "Yes.  I'm alive, but I am too busy to talk to you."  How much less evasive can a text message be and exactly how small ARE your balls?  If you can't handle an explanation via TEXT, you are a gigantic coward.  Even if you don't want to give the truth, SOMETHING should be said.  I'm not about to sit here and say that I have always given an honest response as to why I didn't want to talk to a guy anymore.  I dated a guy when I was 22 and I felt that he might be gay.  Did I tell him that?  No.  I just said "I met someone else."  It would have been rude to just behave like I had died in a plane crash.  Plus, I wasn't looking for a debate about his sexuality.  If you can tell the truth, do so.

I end this with a note:


Dear all MIA Douchebags who have faked their deaths,

Grow a pair and give a girl an answer.  Any answer.  A text is the easiest way to communicate because it only requires your fingers to move up and down, typing letters, which make up words, which make up sentences, which make up.....A SET OF BALLS. 

Peace Out, 

All Girls