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| "You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are." |
Yesterday, the doctor told me that my scores were "overwhelming" and that although I don't have an issue functioning in some ways, my attention to small details seems to be a struggle. I agreed. She also said it seems that I have to be stimulated AT ALL TIMES or I have a problem. Also true. If I am not into something that requires a lot of thought, I feel like no matter how hard I try, I can't focus and I mess up.
How it feels: If I am writing, reading, painting, drawing, analyzing, putting together a puzzle, listening to an interesting lecture, editing, playing piano, I used to play violin by ear.....bombs could go off around me and I wouldn't move. I am happy, content, and calm. No one bothers me because they don't exist. When I snap out of that, whether forced or not, I feel high. I feel like I am in a daze or a fog and I can't get out of it. That transition between the two is always the worst. It feels like I can't change gears, so going in and out of that is nearly impossible. When I try to focus amongst a million outside stimuli, I feel like they are bombarding me and I get very tired and frustrated. That's not usually a problem though because most of the time I don't really focus because the stimuli typically grabs my attention and I bounce around like a pin ball machine and my thoughts take over and then I don't notice how freaking chaotic everything is around me because I am a part of it. I may appear to be zoning out while pumping gas, the kids are yelling, the music is blaring, the trucks are honking, the light is shining in my eyes.....but I am not. I am thinking about how the truck across from me has two guys in it who look like they came out of "The Hills Have Eyes" and then that thought leads to another thought which leads to another thought which leads to an idea for a story I am going to write......and that's why I forget to pull the pump out of the car before I drive away. True story. So in a sense, I am zoning out, but I never notice it because I am always thinking. I don't know how else to explain it.
I was late to my appointment for ADD yesterday and after I was done there, I received a call saying that I had missed a different appointment. I said "I am sorry I missed that appointment. I was at another appointment discussing my ADD." The lady laughed. I laugh at myself too because what the hell are you going to do? But the truth is, I feel like a mess and as much as I accomplish, there are things that slip and I am so exhausted just trying to maintain that sometimes I crawl into a hole and try to avoid it all. I am overwhelmed.
I posted something goofy about it on Facebook yesterday because I just tend to make fun of myself and I have received a lot of messages and phone calls saying "No! Don't do it!" The truth is, I worry too. What if I trade in things people love about me for something else? I don't like the idea that people are all supposed to be the same and that if you don't operate "like you are supposed to" then you have a disorder. Artists are all insane, musicians are crazy, drama students are flamboyant, and writers imagine. People are creative and curious and maybe we aren't living how we are supposed to, so we all have disorders. Socially Anxious, Bipolar, ADD, OCD, Hyperactive, Depressed, Anxious....I am not saying that disorders aren't real, clearly, because I went for help yesterday.....but what if they only exist because the world happens to be F'd up? If you expect human beings to be robots, then yes, we are all insane because you can't program us.
Or can you?
Pharmaceutical companies are a business. We may not be Communists or Socialists, but we are VOLUNTARILY going to the doctor to sedate ourselves in some way so we are all the same and normal. It makes them rich while we are possibly, in some cases, taking crap that we don't need. I AM NOT SAYING MENTAL ILLNESS DOESN'T EXIST. Please don't take it that way.
Here are my issues with medicating myself, or my concerns, rather:
- What if creative people just work this way? If you read about ADD, a good majority of people who struggle with it are highly intelligent and creative. So what if your brain just functions like this? If I medicate myself for the mundane crap that unfortunately ruins my life, my self-confidence, and totally exhausts me, well then what happens to the rest of me? The dreamer, the analyzer, the creative? Is it worth trading in the positive process in which your brain functions just so you won't get into trouble for doing something "careless" because you "don't care"? I'll be honest....I used to be bored in school. I did well, but I was bored. I was distracting and completely oblivious to the fact that other children wanted to listen. It completely went over my head. I physically taped my mouth shut but I would peel it back to talk, so that didn't work. My desk was the messiest by far, I was always forgetful, and I never heard the teacher call my name. My name was always on the board with checks beside it. Looking back, I didn't want to sit and listen to a bunch of crap I had already read the night before and retained. So what did I do? Stimulated myself because they couldn't. Why is that the child's fault? Why should I be expected to sit for 8 hours a day with 30 minutes of recess when I am a child who needs to exercise because I am full of youth? Why should I be expected to work out a math problem a way that makes no sense to me but if I get the answer correctly on my own, it's marked for wrong because I didn't do it the "right way". Maybe the system sucks for some of us. Then again, I was the kid who scored a hundred on the test and got points taken off for not writing her name on it. Story of my life to forget the easiest part. As I got older, I began to believe I was a problem, stupid, an airhead and so on, and it caused me anxiety, depression and I made some impulsive decisions because of that. It wasn't until college that I learned that I actually wasn't a bad kid, an idiot, an airhead, and stupid and lazy.
- What if ADD isn't real, but it's more of a result of this stupid world and how we "are supposed to function"? If I lived on a farm, would I have issues? Maybe not. But the fact that I have to drive in traffic with four children, pay my bills, answer my stupid ass phone, answer texts, work full time, do the laundry, eat, sleep, grocery shop, remember cupcakes for the kids' birthday at school, change the batteries to the remote, remember my vitamins, water the flowers, work out.....I mean WTF. WE aren't ROBOTS!!!! What if we are just living in a crazy world where we feel like hamsters on a wheel? I do. I feel like that.
- Is neutralizing emotions really something we should be doing? Now I haven't taken anything for focus, but I have known enough people who have said that when you take something for these disorders, you end up neutralizing your emotions. To a person who is creative and finds inspiration from highs and lows and feelings, that's a scary thing to curb. Have you ever seen "The Stepford Wives"? I picture something like that. This imperfect woman who fumbles sometimes also does something amazing.....and then the men turn her into a robot where she has no emotions. She's just Blah. That is so freaking scary to me.
- Side Effects. I am not going to have issues with sex drive, mood, weight....or I won't take it. HELL no. I might rather drive away pulling a gas pump behind my car and get speeding tickets than to not have a sex drive and never want to eat. Just kill me. I have never taken a Xanax, I have never taken a sleeping pill....this is a very serious issue to me.
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