Signs You're Not In Love Anymore

I have been getting a lot of requested topics lately and I love that.  This was suggested by one of my cousins, so darling, thanks for the request! Unfortunately, this post isn't as simple as you had probably hoped.  Why?  Because when you are figuring out that you aren't in love anymore, you get your answers by asking yourself a million questions.....and listening to your heart.  And THAT is not simple. 

This topic cannot be simplified and I am not comfortable simplifying it, mainly because, well, what is love?  It is complicated.  What is being in love?  Is "being in love" just lust?  How do you know whether or not you are just experiencing a low point in your relationship?  When do you leave?  Should you leave?  Can real love die?  Can you get it back?  Can you damage it so badly that you can kill it forever?  And was it really love if it was capable of death? Like I said, complicated. 

I think that when it gets down to it, no matter what kind of situation you are in, you have a responsibility to yourself and your partner to listen to all of those nasty thoughts that we like to push away when we are unhappy because they are indicators of a problem.  We ignore them because we don't want to admit that we aren't happy.  But if you face them, you are either going to use them to fix it, or you are going to use them to be straight up with yourself and the other person and end the relationship. 

When you are not in love anymore, you may feel uninspired.  Bored.  Unhappy.  Irritable.  Antsy.  Trapped. You want to run.  And then you feel guilty for feeling these things.  The worst thing you can do, in any relationship, is ignore these feelings.  Plus, your partner sees it.  You aren't fooling anyone, so you may as well face it.

You have to consider some things before just saying "Ok, I am not in love anymore, that's that and I want out".  How much have you committed?  Are you married?  Because in a real relationship where you know the person, you are going to have down spots and not every day is going to be filled with butterflies.  Do you have children? Are you being realistic in your expectations or are you just wanting the high that occurs in the beginning of a relationship?  Are you trying?  Do you truly love the person?  Is the person right for you?  Has the person hurt you beyond repair?  Have you hurt the person beyond repair? 

Here's what my advice would be....

• To a young, single person, I would say to take these questions seriously and that it isn't a huge deal to move on.  I wasted 4 years of my life staying with a person because I was young and unable to see beyond the age of 23.  He mistreated me, he wasn't right for me, and I was absolutely miserable.  Then, when I tried to end it, he would beg me not to break up with him and cry. I mean, really, what was I doing?  I didn't know what real commitment and love was.  There is no reason to be so young and unhappy.  You have a long time to find out what you want and who you are and to be quite honest, you're going to change like 4 times before you're even ready for a relationship for good anyway, so listen to those thoughts and act accordingly.
• To a married person who has invested 14 years in a marriage, my answer would be completely different than it would be to a 21-year-old. Why?  Why would a married person waste a life that took years to build?  The reasons have to be pretty damn solid, or should be.  Relationships are hard, they change over time, and you have to consider all of the variables first before giving up.  And yet sometimes they should end. 
• If you are an older single person who can't seem to commit seriously, you should consider whether or not your expectations are too high. No one is going to be perfect.  I actually can identify with this category the most at this stage in my life.  Why?  Because when you are in your 30's, especially if you have already been through a marriage and divorce, you know what you want.  Before you know it, your list is like 207 lines long and you CAN stand to wait for it because you are older, wiser, and more capable of being on your own.  Part of you knows the person doesn't exist and then you realize that you really don't care.  You're happy alone and if the fairytale guy or girl doesn't exist, you aren't going to cry about it because you're smiling alone like a crazy person that no one understands. What this means is that it's harder to get into relationships and bond, and it's easier to cut people off.  You don't have to be unhappy and you know it. 

It's just a decision.  Are you going to stay or leave?  No one can tell you what to do. You have to balance being methodical and logical and listening to your heart and going with your gut.  It sucks. I have loved before and I have lost it.  I have felt when it was slipping, and although it always took me a while to accept that it was gone, I have always eventually accepted that it is never coming back. It's then that I have made decisions about my life.

It's sad once you reach the point that you can't make yourself be the same person you were.  It's devastating realizing that you can't make your heart feel things it doesn't because you know then that no matter what you do from that point on, you are robbing the other person if you aren't honest.  It is no longer really just your decision anymore and just about you.  You have to consider the other person's life and time.