Waking Up Alone

I'm gonna go ahead and admit that I like being single and doing whatever the hell I want to do. I love not having to put up with someone else's mood and funk.  Also, there are other little things. If I want to kiss someone, I can. If I want to eat squash for dinner, I can. I can watch chick flicks during football because it isn't bothering anyone, because it's just me. Basically, as long as the kids are taken care of and fed well, I can do what I want. 

However, I have found a speed bump in my wonderful singleness and I don't know how to remedy it without buying some kind of creepy blow-up doll....

Scary Noises and Flames

Waking up like the little girl I am, in the middle of the night, sucks major ass. I hear noises constantly and I get scared. I slink under the covers like they're armor, and I realize I'm a sitting duck if someone is there. If it wasn't bad enough for me before, I was alone when I woke up to my house burning and yeah, that kinda scarred me. 

Snuggling. (and other stuff.)

I love to snuggle.  I like curling into a tiny ball in a guy's arms, or wrapping up together like a pretzel. I am affectionate in a relationship, and I miss that. It's ridiculous how much I miss that.

Giant, Empty Bed Space

You'd think I take up the whole bed, but I don't. I wake up on the very edge of the bed as if someone is there. When I was first single, I sprawled out all over, out of spite. I don't really like sleeping by myself though. I should at least place my pillows all over the mattress, so they can get a good night's sleep. 

Thoughts and Bad Dreams

I have a lot of bad dreams. And I have a lot of thoughts. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I tend to think the clearest. Things seem to come to me. The night of the fire, I was 20 times more afraid because I had been sleeping, and yet I seemed to react so well. When I wake up thinking a thought, it seems to be one of the most brilliant. And when I feel something, it's 10 times as strong as if I were awake. Why? Because I'm not parading around during the day doing everything I have to do and ignoring it. You hear your heart in the quiet of the night and everything is amplified. I recommend listening to those thoughts; you're not always delusional. Sleeping is like being drunk. The truth comes out. And when you're there alone, you feel really alone.

So I write.....

What I Wrote at 3 am Two Nights Ago

I have crushed on people, I have crushed hearts, I have made people angry, I have begged someone to love me, I have shunned another, I have said goodbye to people and not shed a tear while they're crying, I've had the same done to me. I have walked down the aisle in white with beautiful flowers, and I've signed papers taking it all back.  I've created life with someone, I've seen that person in my children's eyes and smiles. I've said "This is It" and "I guess it wasn't It" and "Is there an It?" And "Maybe there's no It for me" and "Maybe I'm too broken for It." I've laughed and smiled and cried and gotten knocked down, I've had to get up and fight. I've also surrendered. I've fallen in love with my entire heart, so much of it that I told myself there was no way it was real because I'm not capable of that, until I realized it was, and then I've had to shove it away so it won't hurt anymore. Then I've had to swim in a sea of comparisons and fear there's no one like him. I've cried and felt my heartbreak too much, and I've been grateful beyond belief.  I've had to rebuild every aspect of my life over and over.....and I realize it when I'm alone, in the dark, right now, curled on the edge of this empty Queen size bed.

I wake up alone now, wondering if the experiences I encounter will ultimately change who I am and if the shield that I now have up will be my own demise. I have had to find ways to piece it all together. And it hurts so much that I cannot take my own feelings seriously, so I blow them off. What if everyone I love ends up just a collage of memories, a box of pictures, and I wake up alone forever? What if I told you that it scares me that I will be alone, and then what if I tell you I say to myself "Who cares if I am?" 

The Morning

There's no one there to make you want to hit snooze a few times. The snooze that exists just for the sheer joy of holding him a little longer. 

I am SUCH a girl.