You know, I realize that this is vague, but I really can't explain exactly what a douche bag is because there are so many; it's like irony, you know when you see it. Overall, they are obnoxious, pompous, feel the need to pick at everyone else, they have relentless confidence-and no one can understand where they got it. The douche bag phenomenon is kind of like watching the people on American Idol who sound like dying cats....the evidence would have you assume that no one told them the truth about how they appear. However, I believe that d-bags are told all the time and they still refuse to correct their douchiness.
Some specifics: Guys that are 500 pounds on the top half of their bodies and completely forget about their twig legs. The overly tanned guys. The guys who make fun of others and act like idiots. Those who wear their sunglasses at clubs. The guys with their underwear showing and sun visors flipped upside down and to the side. The guys who are attached to their Bluetooth constantly, yelling about work. Bruno Mars. (Note to Bruno, the douchiest man alive, no girl wants to hear "make love like gorillas." I still can't get over that song. Really? NOT ok. Like at all.)
2. Ignore the Words Coming Out of Our Mouths. I was out once and this guy asked me if I wanted a drink and I said "No". He completely ignored me, walked off and got me a drink. Nice to see that he was paying attention. I immediately assumed he was a date rapist. Although, the guy also had a scarf on and it was 85 degrees....what did I expect?
3. Douche bag friends.
know that this may not be fair, but the coolest guys I know also have cool friends. We are judging you by your relationships with other men. If your friends are lame, you probably are too.
4. Pleated pants and fat ties, also, wear more jewelry than we do. Unacceptable. That one was for you, Kellie. ;)
5. Laziness.
Life is short, and we really don't want to spend it lounging around all the time. Have hobbies, spend time with us, work around the house. Chilling is ok, but plopping in front of the TV constantly is gross. Exercise, care about your physical appearance and your health. We'll want you.
6. Game Playing. Grow the hell up. Stop wasting our time. Game playing is the equivalent of a 45-year-old man with grey spiky hair wearing flip-flops and a tight Hollister t-shirt.
7. Be Girlier Than We Are. You wanna know why nice guys tend to finish last? Because although we want you to be sensitive, we don't want you to be more emotional than we are and there are some who need to grow a pair. We don't want a guy who seems like he's going to cry while he's having sex with us. That's like absolutely nauseating. We are attracted to men, so sometimes the jerks DO get us. (I know I'm getting backlash for this one. And I deserve it, so go ahead. Spank me.)
8. Don't be a controlling ass either. We don't have UPC's attached to our bodies, so stop acting like you picked us up at Kroger. We have our own minds, we can make our own decisions, and the less of an ass you are about it, the more we will consult you when we want your opinion.
9. Lick our Face. There is absolutely nothing worse than bad kissing, well, maybe there is, but we are too turned off to find out. Don't cram your tongue down our throat and lick our faces. Again, I'm sure our faces look like:
10. Be jealous, hate on other guys. It's one thing to kind of chuckle about a guy in our life who really is kind of lame, in fact, we do care about your opinion sometimes and it probably sticks with us. Guys talk crap just like chicks. But when guys straight up you-know-what-blocks and behaves in a controlling or jealous way about someone we know isn't a douche, it's a turn-off. We like confidence. I'd be more attracted to a guy who says "Go ahead. Bet he can't (fill-in the blank) like me, baby." I'm not moving because that was hot. Be confident. Looks good.
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