Flashback Friday-If I Would've Known

Do you ever thank God you can't see into the future? Not that I believe in palm reading or anything of the sort, but I also don't NOT believe in it, and therefore, I wouldn't want to ask what's in store for me. I'm sure if I would've heard what was in store for me (in the last two years), I probably would've saved myself the pain and thrown myself off a cliff because there is NO WAY I would've imagined being able to get through it. Yes, preparation comes in handy (like both ultrasounds that indicated twins) but I honestly think that anticipation can be the worst part sometimes. 

Wait. No. The actual situation can be as bad as anticipating it. 

I was waiting on an important piece of mail. Finally on Wednesday, I went to the postmaster. I found a stack that was about 7 inches thick. I immediately began to panic because I had to go through it (I am not good with mailboxes) and then when I went through it, I panicked because there were so many loose ends that needed to be tied up. Can you imagine being single, working, having 4 kids all in different places, paying the bills for two households, dealing with an insurance company (I can't tell you how much work this has been, like, there's soooooo much to it), being available to your contractor for everything down to choosing the last light plate, making sure no one is screwing you, and still having to find time to clean, work out, and do the laundry and your toe nails? Oh and by the way, you also have to be emotionally supportive to 4 young people AND appear to have it all together so they don't panic. Every email is a bamboo shoot up my nail bed. Every phone call, voicemail, appointment, paper to fill out and stamp, every vitamin I have to remember to shove down my throat.....I just can't explain to you how hard the littlest things have been for the last 6 months. Life was hard enough before the fire, but the fact that I've had everything I have dumped on my lap and then been told to sift through a ridiculous, gigantic mountain of crap and NOT lose my mind.....well I just can't describe to you how that feels. Oh, and let's not forget that I have a 12-year-old daughter who loves to point out the things that I forget, because her friends' moms (who are married and don't have two sets of twins) do it-yeah, I'm pretty much a loser in her eyes right now. And two years ago I baked muffins from scratch and worked on Pinterest projects in the house that would eventually burn down. 

Overwhelmed. Powerless. Pissed off. Sad. Displaced. Scattered. At a loss.

Also, thankful. Stronger. Hopeful. Smarter. 

I'm incredibly thankful for everyone in my life who has helped in even the smallest of ways. I am not thankful, however, to the person chuckling at me for being a flake, because I'm not a flake. "Bet you lock your keys in your car and drive off with your coffee on the roof for a lot less, Punk," is what I want to say. When your kids are screaming about how you bought the wrong donut in the drive-thru, your oldest are fighting about what kinds of clouds are in the sky, your mom is texting you, your insurance adjuster is calling you, and you're driving a car and not trying to get in a wreck....you realize you have to quiet the chatter.

I changed my phone number. I froze my Facebook. For over a month, I barely talked to anyone. I got rid of people who made me feel bad about myself and I dealt with emotional baggage that I couldn't put off any longer. Yes, my family thought I was depressed. My friends knew something was up. The truth? I just had to disappear. It was like I threw my hands up and screamed "ENOUGH!!!!! Everyone, SHUT UP and leave me alone!" When you're just one phone call in my life, you don't get why I might be short with you, because you've called once. Then you think "what the hell is her problem?" 99. At least. And no one but me can deal with them, really. 

If I've blown you off, I'm sorry. I'm coping and doing the best I can. 

If I have told you I never ever want to talk to you ever again, ever, I meant it. And that's because you are a huge ass. (And you aren't reading anyway because you probably only care about yourself or wanted to get into my pants). I already have a lot on my plate and I only need good people in my life, who love me. 

Those who love me, I'm sorry I haven't been emotionally supportive and "there". I appreciate you and love you and I'll come back. I can see the light.