Top 12-Ways To Sound Like Your Mother

A Quick Note:

Hello hello!  Well, it's Wednesday and I haven't posted since Friday, which is unusual.  I have been feeling a little crappy and haven't felt much like writing...my sincere apologies.  I saw Atlanta Ballet's Hamlet with Kasie on Friday night and went to the Braves game on Saturday; it looked like it was going to be a great weekend.  However, after swallowing part of a skewer to a kebab and getting it lodged in my throat on Saturday night, I realized I had thought too soon.  I was in the ER all day on Sunday, somehow not realizing that swallowing wood could be a serious state to be in.  I accomplished nothing that day but being able to swallow without feeling like a toothpick was lodged in the center of my esophagus, which is was, and that was pretty much the end to my wonderful weekend.  Monday I was stoned all day because I was on hydrocodone.  In fact, a note to my boss if you are reading, I may not have told you I wasn't going to make it in....because I was stoned and it just didn't cross my mind that I should probably let you know.  I am sorry.  I slept all day.  And I was high as a kite. 



Lately I have been hearing myself say things that I almost can't believe I am saying.  Here is a list of things that make you sound like your mother:

1. Because I said so.  I don't mind explaining things to my kids, unless they are just manipulating me into changing my mind.  I can't be coerced anymore.  I have been a mom for too long and I no longer get sad if they don't like me.  I need them to respect me.
2. End of discussion. Again. They will never shut up or give up if you don't turn it off. 
3. That is completely unacceptable.  I hated when my mom said this to me.  It was a completely intelligent way of telling me I was an idiot.  I love saying it. 
4. Absolutely not. Hell no! You've lost your damn mind, child. 
5. I'll think about it. Warning!!!  In theory, this buys you time, but in reality, your kid hears "yes".  You will have a confrontation if the thinking ends up being a no. 
6. One day you'll thank me.  One of the lies we tell ourselves to get through the 18 years of childhood, and it could also be an accidental attempt at brainwashing.....who cares.
7. If I didn't care, I would let you do whatever you want. Totally true.  Riding my kids' asses is a lot harder than just ignoring them. 
8. Life isn't fair.  When I was your age, we didn't even have _________. This is just ridiculous because I am only 33 and I can insert, hmmmm, let's see, ANYTHING my kids have. 
9. I don't know, can you?  When my kids say "Can I" instead of "May I", this is my response. 
10. You don't know how good you have it. We didn't either.  Hmmmm, to play outside and eat popsicles in the summer, not doing laundry and paying bills and worrying about every little thing that happens.....
11. You'll live. Code for "Shut up, whiner."
12. You're grounded.  You know, I would probably rather be grounded than come up with a punishment for my kids' behavior.  It sucks ass.  Majorly.  You can't really just send them to their rooms because that's where they want to be.  You have to be clever, and quite honestly, I don't think that quick on my feet.  It SUCKS.