Writing-Gift or Curse?

I think I need to clarify a few things regarding my blog. 

I do not use it as a weapon, I do use it to help others not feel alone in the world, and I do use it to heal myself because that has always been my outlet.  I do not have a journal; this is it.  Since I was a little girl, I have walked around with a notepad and a pen jotting down my thoughts and feelings, and the only thing I can say is that it's been both a blessing and a curse.  I didn't like to talk about my feelings as a child, much like I am uncomfortable with it now. I wanted to claw my skin off and cry in a counselor's office, but I would write everything down. Writing is my safe haven. I've said this all before.

I write with small amounts of self-preservation because I have always felt the need to be real, because otherwise, why am I writing?  Why would anyone want to read something fabricated or canned, unless it's labeled "fiction"?  I do write as much as I possibly can with others in mind, however, this is a difficult task sometimes because the line between honesty, censorship and others' feelings is a very fine.  Opinions are something everyone has, and I cannot make everyone happy.  I don't write to make everyone happy, nor do I say things to make anyone unhappy.  I don't divulge everything about my life, and yet I am as open as I can be. 

Please understand that writing publicly is very difficult, and especially this type of writing.  To show your soul, your thoughts and feelings for all to see is about as real as I can be.  I could walk around with a smile all the time and pretend to be two dimensional, but I don't see why I should have to do that and I can't see why someone would want another person to do that.  And while I seem more public and lippy than most, and I am more open than most, there is a lot that I do hold back on account of others in my life.  I ask people to respect that we are not all alike, we do not function the same way, and not everyone HAS to write.  Writing for a writer is like breathing, and it is a brave act, in my opinion. I open myself up to a lot of scrutiny and I can take it, but I ask anyone who reads someone else's writing to consider this: what information don't you divulge simply because you are afraid to look or sound stupid, mean, or that you will take heat?  Not everyone censors themselves with others in mind, and I can guarantee you that this is the only time I try.

If I have ever said anything that has bothered you or hurt you on this blog, it wasn't intentional, as I am not the kind of person who intentionally hurts others.  I do not like that I have hurt you and I did not intend to.  I would like to offer my condolences across the board, but the truth remains that until you have a blog and you're divulging your feelings and stripping yourself naked to the core, I feel like it isn't a fair fight.  I am exposed and you are not.  I know that this is my doing, but I ask you to understand that I cannot dig into your true thoughts and feelings on a daily and yearly basis, yet you can see me plain as day.  You may understand me and you may not. I also can't help that. Until I am spilling your personal thoughts and feelings without your permission, I am not sure I can avoid hurting people occasionally. 

I would like to point out the fact that I am not perfect.  If I have come off that way at any point since the birth of this blog, it was not my intention. I have made mistakes as a mother, a wife, an ex-wife, a daughter, a sister, a daughter-in-law, a friend, and a human being in general.  I write about my religious views and my journey on this blog for the world to see, and I am anything but perfect.  Nothing is black and white, no one is all right or all wrong, and I do not claim to be.  I am a human being who has experienced many things, had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way, and who has tried to learn from others. 

To my babies and my family, you are who I love. I love you so much.  Kids, if you are reading this one day, know that you are loved so much and mommy wishes you to be anything BUT a writer. 

Basically, what this all boils down to is that sometimes I wish I had been good at volleyball instead.