Why I Want to Murder My Cell Phone

Sometimes I feel like throwing out the cell phone and getting a landline with an answering machine.  I have had one, surprisingly within the last 10 years, which was basically just a dumping ground for all of the messages from people attempting to talk to me after I hadn't answered my cell phone.  The only way a landline and answering machine could work is if you actually got rid of your cell phone.

Never gonna happen.....

Why do I feel like throwing out the cell phone?  It owns my ass and so does everyone else on the other end.  It's not just a constant distraction for me, it is a guilt trip.  My phone is like a nagging bitch who won't shut the hell up.  Who needs a spouse?  We could marry our phones and it would be the same thing.  No wonder we are all overwhelmed. 

Heaven forbid I don't answer my phone or a text message.  I am either an asshole or I am dead.  Those are the only two explanations.  I actually respect someone who doesn't immediately answer me back....that means that they have a life like me, or they are overwhelmed like me and understand how I feel most of my life.  I just want to disappear sometimes.

Sometimes I have fantasies about what I would do to my cell phone if I could get away with it.  I imagine driving down the road and throwing it out the window, preferably into a body of water.  I imagine placing it under my tire and backing over it.  I imagine throwing it into the air and shooting it, and this one is far-fetched because I have never shot a gun and I would never have that kind of aim.  I imagine answering the phone with a Russian accent and telling them that Brittany changed her number.  I imagine throwing it into a brick wall until it shatters into a million pieces, and especially after someone has irritated me.   I imagine what it would be like to walk through the door, hang up my coat, put my keys on the hook and hit the "Messages" button and hearing everything I missed that day....it wouldn't matter because I would have accomplished what I needed to and wasn't everyone's bitch. 

Then I realize that if I did any of these things, I would cease to have human interaction and my life would fall apart.  I need a pen, a journal, a shady tree to sit underneath, and to have been born in a different era.  I hate technology and I hate being forced to adapt to this society.   I wonder if this is why I lose my phone and break it constantly.