The Thrill of the Chase

“ Everything that kills me makes me feel alive.“-One Republic, Counting Stars

It is my insatiable appetite for everything in life that is both a curse and a gift; a cycle that makes boredom uncomfortable, and hunger pains so alive that I  feel like they will kill me.   I am always wanting and reaching for something and when I restrain myself from doing this, when I put myself in a straitjacket to stay in a familiar place, I squirm uncomfortably while it bubbles inside me until I break free— sometimes violently—to chase something else.  Once I catch something, I am satisfied only for a moment before I am off and sprinting, hunting something else that will only give me temporary relief—a temporary fix for my boredom and challenge for my psyche.  Why is it temporary?  When you hunt and kill something, it’s dead.  Who wants to play with something that no longer has life? It’s boring. 

If you don’t know what I am talking about, either I suck at describing the fire and energy within me, or we aren’t built the same way.  Be happy about that because it’s exhausting.  When I say everything in life, I truly mean everything in life.  (Allow yourself to process this for a moment.) My energy and adrenaline both carries me and exhausts me.  My mind drives me insane from analyzing, and yet when I have nothing to contemplate, I feel dead and unhappy.  Once I learn something down pat, I become bored and crave more stimulation.  Once I am caught or catch a person, I want to play the game again.  Once I graduate, I want another degree.  Once I master something, I become bored and must master something else.  It’s exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.  To find satisfaction in the thrill of the chase and yet to be exhausted from chasing it….it’s a strange juxtaposition that I hope to understand one day.  I wonder what I would be like in life if I had no drive.  Comfortable and less confused by the constant change and growth? 

There is a scene in the movie "Happy Feet" that I always think about when I want to describe how I feel when I get too comfortable or bored.  This little penguin is accustom to catching his fish in the wild.  He was born and raised to roam and explore, knowing that while he is hunting, he could be eaten.  This had to be exciting and scary all at the same time.  The penguin is eventually caught by humans.  There is a scene where the penguin is standing with all of the other penguins while the zookeeper throws the fish into the penguins' mouths.  The penguin looks like he has gone insane, opening his mouth with his eyes glazed over, letting the fish glide down his throat with no effort.  I think this is a perfect analogy for me when things fall into my lap with no effort.