1. Be fully present
I was that guy. I would be sitting with a beautiful woman in a café, but my eyes would dart around the room at all the other ladies passing by. One day a woman friend said to me “You know, it’s totally obvious you’re scoping out all those women. It really has me feeling ugly and not appreciated.” My heart sank. I had no idea that I was creating that effect on her. Like most guys, I thought I was being discreet with my Ray-Bans. Make sure your attention is on the woman in front of you. Not on trying to figure out what cool thing to say or what to do next. Do your best to be present to and aware of what’s going on in your body, her body and also the energetic connection between you and her. Create that magic bubble where it feels as if there is no one else but the two of you.
I was that guy. I would be sitting with a beautiful woman in a café, but my eyes would dart around the room at all the other ladies passing by. One day a woman friend said to me “You know, it’s totally obvious you’re scoping out all those women. It really has me feeling ugly and not appreciated.” My heart sank. I had no idea that I was creating that effect on her. Like most guys, I thought I was being discreet with my Ray-Bans. Make sure your attention is on the woman in front of you. Not on trying to figure out what cool thing to say or what to do next. Do your best to be present to and aware of what’s going on in your body, her body and also the energetic connection between you and her. Create that magic bubble where it feels as if there is no one else but the two of you.
I am really sorry, but DUH? I am actually alarmed a bit that this is even on this list. Duh, dudes. Duh. I mean, the Golden Rule is golden and you wouldn't like it if we did this to you.
2. Actually give a sh*t about her
Whether you just met her two minutes or 12 years ago, actually care about her and genuinely want to get to know about her world. Yes, own your physical attraction to her, but also bring your heart to the interaction. Connect with your curiosity about who she is -- her dreams, fears, insecurities, quirks and gifts. Be more concerned about the quality of the connection rather than faking interest as a way to get somewhere or to get something out of her. She is not a means to an end (sex, a number, a date). She is a world to explore. So is the connection.
Whether you just met her two minutes or 12 years ago, actually care about her and genuinely want to get to know about her world. Yes, own your physical attraction to her, but also bring your heart to the interaction. Connect with your curiosity about who she is -- her dreams, fears, insecurities, quirks and gifts. Be more concerned about the quality of the connection rather than faking interest as a way to get somewhere or to get something out of her. She is not a means to an end (sex, a number, a date). She is a world to explore. So is the connection.
I thought that women were supposed to be difficult, and yet Number 1 and Number 2 are like almost identical. If you are "actually giving a sh*t about her" wouldn't Number 1 go with that? Yeah, because we are so demanding......
3. Appreciate and celebrate who and where she is in the moment
A woman crying used to scare me. I would get anxious and not know what to do. One day I bumped into my good female friend in the street. She started talking about her breakup. I just stood with her on the sidewalk and gently listened as she shared her story with teary eyes. After 20 minutes, she said “Wow, that was so healing for me. Thank you so much for listening.” I finally got it. Me simply being with her was more effective than me trying to fix or distract her. Whatever comes up for her in your interaction, celebrate it. Something fun and juicy comes up? Dive in and celebrate that. She mentions something emotional or uncomfortable from her past? Stay in the moment with her. Don’t try to change the subject to get to a “happier” topic. Never try to “fix it” for her. If anything, ask her to say more about it so you can explore it together. If you actually care about her, then you want to get to know all of her, not just the bubbly, sexy and socially presentable side.
This is so true. Women don't want to be fixed all of the time. They want to cry and vent. I don't know if guys understand this, but we KNOW that we are not always rational and we hate it when we don't know what's wrong with us. It's the absolute worst thing about being a girl. We know while we cry and say stupid stuff that we are crying and saying stupid stuff, but it's hard to wrap your brain around your emotions when they don't make any sense and it is hard to admit it to a guy because we get enough crap for being girls. If we really do want more than just an ear and shoulder, we will totally say "What should I do?" Men are very logical and we really do love that. (I didn't say that you are smarter than us, by the way.) While you are scratching your heads trying to figure out what the hell evil spirit just climbed inside of us, so are we. It sucks. When you try to fix us when we want to vent, we just feel even weirder and crazier.
A woman crying used to scare me. I would get anxious and not know what to do. One day I bumped into my good female friend in the street. She started talking about her breakup. I just stood with her on the sidewalk and gently listened as she shared her story with teary eyes. After 20 minutes, she said “Wow, that was so healing for me. Thank you so much for listening.” I finally got it. Me simply being with her was more effective than me trying to fix or distract her. Whatever comes up for her in your interaction, celebrate it. Something fun and juicy comes up? Dive in and celebrate that. She mentions something emotional or uncomfortable from her past? Stay in the moment with her. Don’t try to change the subject to get to a “happier” topic. Never try to “fix it” for her. If anything, ask her to say more about it so you can explore it together. If you actually care about her, then you want to get to know all of her, not just the bubbly, sexy and socially presentable side.
This is so true. Women don't want to be fixed all of the time. They want to cry and vent. I don't know if guys understand this, but we KNOW that we are not always rational and we hate it when we don't know what's wrong with us. It's the absolute worst thing about being a girl. We know while we cry and say stupid stuff that we are crying and saying stupid stuff, but it's hard to wrap your brain around your emotions when they don't make any sense and it is hard to admit it to a guy because we get enough crap for being girls. If we really do want more than just an ear and shoulder, we will totally say "What should I do?" Men are very logical and we really do love that. (I didn't say that you are smarter than us, by the way.) While you are scratching your heads trying to figure out what the hell evil spirit just climbed inside of us, so are we. It sucks. When you try to fix us when we want to vent, we just feel even weirder and crazier.
4. Share the impact she’s having on you
It’s easy to think that it’s all about being a great interviewer. That’s true if you’re trying to get a good story out of the woman. But if you want a deeper connection with her, then you have to let her know how she’s impacting you, in the moment.
If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that women want to feel you. They want to know that you are right there with them, not mentally floating away thinking about the ballgame. Communicating is just exchanging ideas, connecting is a visceral experience of being in relationship with someone. An easy sentence stem to use is “When you said _____, I felt _____.”
I can see why this could be hard for a guy, especially considering that some guys aren't talkers at all. But rest assured, if you give us QUALITY communication for a little while rather than a lot of consistent crap, we will be happy to know you are hanging out with your boys, drinking a beer, and thinking about sports.
If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that women want to feel you. They want to know that you are right there with them, not mentally floating away thinking about the ballgame. Communicating is just exchanging ideas, connecting is a visceral experience of being in relationship with someone. An easy sentence stem to use is “When you said _____, I felt _____.”
I can see why this could be hard for a guy, especially considering that some guys aren't talkers at all. But rest assured, if you give us QUALITY communication for a little while rather than a lot of consistent crap, we will be happy to know you are hanging out with your boys, drinking a beer, and thinking about sports.
5. Slow down and milk the silence
My mind thinks fast and my mouth talks fast. Not ideal for most conversations. My big aha came when I started to chill out, practice just being with her. I gave up trying to impress her with my cool questions. And ironically, I actually enjoyed myself a lot more.
Silences are only uncomfortable when you resist them. Got nothing to say? Just take a big deep breath down into your balls. Trust me, it will have an impact. You can even be honest, “I’m really wanting to connect more with you, but right now I’m drawing a blank on what to say.” See what happens. Connection happens in the spaces in between the words. Keep the lid on and let the mojo water boil.
Silences are only uncomfortable when you resist them. Got nothing to say? Just take a big deep breath down into your balls. Trust me, it will have an impact. You can even be honest, “I’m really wanting to connect more with you, but right now I’m drawing a blank on what to say.” See what happens. Connection happens in the spaces in between the words. Keep the lid on and let the mojo water boil.
I sort of don't get this one.
6. Use humor mindfully
I sometimes have the awkward habit of smiling when I see a woman in a vulnerable emotion. It’s as if I want to ease her mood by cheering her up. I’m doing #2 but not #3. And when I do that I can instantly feel the connection drop away. My practice now is to speak the moment, “Wow, I’m seeing you in this vulnerable place and I’m not sure what to do right now. And I care about you. How can I best support you right now?”
Nothing is sexier and inspiring than hearing a woman giggle her ass off at something you just said. But when you use it to release tension or to avoid an uncomfortable topic, it destroys the connection.
Nothing is sexier and inspiring than hearing a woman giggle her ass off at something you just said. But when you use it to release tension or to avoid an uncomfortable topic, it destroys the connection.
So basically don't tell a Yo Mama joke when her grandma dies. When she tells you she is anorexic, don't call her a fat ass. When she says that she is dyslexic, don't ask her if she wants to go to the library to read some Shakespeare. I mean, come on now. Yeah, we like a sense of humor. To me, it is the most attractive quality, but I definitely don't want to be made fun of when I am truly vulnerable. It sucks being vulnerable, so we don't want to be laughed at as well. I don't think that anyone would like this.
ravelment \RAV-uhl-muhnt\, noun:
Entanglement; confusion.
Entanglement; confusion.
Number 5 isn't understandable to you because you don't have the balls that are evidently needed to "breath down into" - he's resisting the urge to FIX her and the moment of silence. Gotta give him credit I guess.
ReplyDeleteSo my opinion about this guy.....he's chronically over-the-top self centered and he's been going to a counselor who is trying to teach him the very basic skills of how to listen and communicate about something other than himself (thus the "I" messages - When you, I feel - this was not his original thought) - things he really should have learned by his age. He used a whole lot of words when he really only has one point in all 6 - just be respectful and present in the same 3 foot circle with the person you are with and listen to the person who is talking so that conversation and friendship can take place. And guys tell us to give them the short version.....