Disclaimer: a little depressing

I feel like the sun needs to come out very soon.  It’s dark, wet, cold and gloomy and it’s only enhancing the sadness that I’m feeling.   I really have been avoiding the news altogether because it’s so disturbing, but I watched a little last night and I saw some of the pictures of the kids and heard President Obama speak.  You know, I usually know what to say (even if it’s the wrong thing to say, I still have words) but I really don’t know what to say about all of this.  The only thing I keep thinking about is how the kids were scared when they died and the kids who were lucky to make it out alive will never, ever be the same children again.  It makes me sick that as a parent, you take care of a child for years—you put up baby gates and buy car seats, you make sure to install cabinet locks and baby monitors, you read hundreds of articles and books on parenting and nutritious diets for your child—and in a split second, someone can take everything you love away from you.  Who do you think you are to do that to someone, and to a child?  Those parents must be in absolute hell right now while they think about how they weren’t there to hold their children as they were scared, to protect them, and to be there as they died.  You aren’t supposed to bury your children; it’s against the natural law.  You hear them cry when they are born and you watch them breathe their first breath, but you shouldn’t see their last and you shouldn’t have to live a day without them.  It makes me sick and I can barely talk about it, like I am sure, no one else can. 

 I think about the psychopath rolling up to the school with a gun and a plan and I realize, there really is evil and darkness all around us, and when the Bible talks about a war between good and evil, I mean, I see that almost as a tangible thing.  What a dark, evil day that was.  And people don’t believe in the devil?  I know God was there too.  I know that.  One of my friends told me that the guy heard the police sirens and that’s when he shot himself.  He had enough ammo to kill the whole school.  It could have been so much worse than it was, and we will never know how much God intervenes because we often focus on what actually happens.  How can we not?  It’s painful.  It makes me wonder though, even though God is all powerful and almighty, have I underestimated how much free will we were actually given?  Does he stand back and let us destroy ourselves because that’s what we decided?  The thought makes me feel alone and scared.  I have faith that we aren’t alone and that God is protecting us, but it’s moments like these when you really question why things happen as they do and it makes you realize how vulnerable you are.

When I first hear about tragedies like this, I don’t say anything.  Then I get angry and say a lot of stupid things and try to blame something or someone.  Then I get sad.  Then I think about it more rationally.  I really am glad that I believe in God because I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t.  Because to tell you the truth, I have a hard time with this stuff and sometimes I feel like this place, Earth, really is hell.  I have a hard time with the fact that people say “I was blessed and spared on 911, thankfully my alarm clock didn’t go off and I overslept” but what is that saying about the person who wasn’t supposed to be in the building and died?  That they weren’t?   Was that person watched over less?  No.  I don’t believe that.  I don’t understand it.  When does God intervene and how does he decide?  Or are we floating around and lucky and unlucky?  I have never believed that, but I wonder sometimes.

I had a friend from church, her name was Stephanie Saint.  She was so sweet, almost saint-like, so her name was fitting.  She was in Africa serving as a missionary and she had just flown back to the states.  That afternoon, she was playing with her cousins and she complained of a headache.  That same night, she had an aneurism and died.  We were 19 years old.  I cried about it and couldn’t understand why she had died so young because she was so good, yet rapists and murderers live until they’re 80.  I didn’t go to the funeral because I was out of state, but I heard through the grapevine that her mother said “She wasn’t happy here anyway”.  Apparently, she was so pure of heart, that she had a hard time dealing with things that happened here on Earth.  Maybe God spared her from seeing evil things.  That’s what I have always thought anyway.  She wasn’t meant to be here.  Maybe there’s something to that song “Only the Good Die Young”….of course, that’s a song about a guy trying to get into a girl’s panties, but you get what I am saying.

I hate goodbyes, I hate endings, I hate letting people go.  Is this life?  Is this going to continue to happen my whole life?  Yes.  It is.  When I was a child, I always had to say goodbye to people because everyone was divorcing.  Everything always seemed to break and collapse, so I just thought it was best to put up a wall and not get attached because it’s definitely going to end badly.  The problem is that I am not like that and my heart never listens to my head….I love people.  So pretty much, life is going to hurt.  Everything ends eventually, and it's going to hurt like hell.  Sorry this is depressing, but this is how I feel.

I went to a funeral yesterday; Don and Brea’s uncle died of cancer.  He was one of the sweetest men I have ever met.  He was given six weeks to six months, and two days later he passed away. It was an uplifting funeral and it really was a celebration of his life, which is the best kind of funeral, if you have to say goodbye to someone.  They’re always sad though.  About a month ago, my cousin committed suicide, he was 27.  600 people came to pay their respects; he was a cute guy and everyone loved him.  I mean, what is going on? 

Honestly, I am just really freaking sad about stuff lately.  I’m afraid to turn around and see what else is coming. 

I'll talk about the weekend now…..

Saturday morning I went to Zumba and then I took the boys to my restaurant and then we went to see Santa.  Lindsey wasn’t there because she went to her friend, Victoria’s house, and they went to a Christmas party.  According to Tori’s mom, they were dancing all night.  They are in dance together, they cheered together, and they are doing the talent show together.  They have choreographed a dance, it’s pretty cute.  Saturday night, Brea and Audrey came in from Ohio for the funeral.  It was nice to see them and the kids had a blast.

Dylan and Ashleigh, at Henry's

Me and my boys....my heart.

Logan and the little ones.



Carson found handcuffs and cuffed himself to Audrey



Dylan, Carson and Audrey.  Cousins, but don't
they look like they could be triplets?

Lindsey and Santa





Last night, after the funeral, the kids played and watched a movie and Brea and I had a bottle of wine.  She likes to choose her wine based on the label and when I said that I am a red wine drinker, she got me this wine.