Before I say any of this, clearly, the ideal would be to find a person you're insane about AND who is loaded....but how often does this happen? It does sometimes, but it's been my experience that the two duel. I'm not sure why this is the case for me. It could be that I am actually turned off by money, but how stupid is that? It could be that I tend to like more of an artistic guy, and artistic fields don't tend to make a lot money. Or maybe since it isn't important to me and I don't immediately ward off people who don't have money, I put myself in a pool of men that is much larger and I give more people a chance. Maybe I like the bad boy who doesn't conform, meaning that he does everything wrong. I don't know. I have stopped trying to figure it out.
Sometimes I wonder if I would actually be happier if I were more materialistic and less idealistic. Money doesn't buy happiness, but doesn't it if you are a materialistic person? The things I chase are SO much harder to obtain than money. Why do I have to do what I love? Why do I have to be passionate about the person I'm with? Why can't liking someone be enough, why do I have to be insanely in love with the person? Why can't someone just buy me off? It would be so much easier if I could turn on my blinders and turn off my needs and tell myself that I could be happy in a mediocre existence, a calm and safe place with someone who would treat me correctly, even if I weren't crazy in love with them. Everything fades eventually, and marriage turns out to be more of a contract than anything else anyway, right? So tell me....how am I smarter than a gold-digger, or even a better person? I am stubborn and clinging to my childish dreams about how MY life should be....what if the reality is that it doesn't exist because the stuff I care about doesn't last forever. Maybe the gold-digger is smarter for accepting reality. We will all get old, fat, boring....maybe security is more important than I give it credit. To add to my stupidity, it even says in the Bible that a woman's basic need is security.....so what the hell is wrong with me for dismissing it?
I have always said I would rather be madly in love with someone in a shack than to just like or respect someone in a mansion, and you know what? It's annoying to be this way. It's annoying to care about such things like personality, a hot body, chemistry, sense of humor, because it's hard to find all of these things in another person. And if you do find it, you have to work out things like timing and such. It would be so much easier to settle for someone who could just make my life easier and I could do whatever I want....like get my Master's in Fine Arts and NOT end up under a bridge in five years with all of my kids, because seriously, this would be the most retarded thing I could do on my own....but if I could sell out and settle down, I could. Will never happen. I have to do it all myself and be insanely in love. And probably with someone who has twenty cents in his pocket. And I don't care.
What's sad is that the guys who have gotten me don't even care that I feel this way. The fact that there are girls out there who would never even consider them because they don't have enough money doesn't make me any more special to them. Means nothing to them. Doesn't it mean something to say "I love you not for what you can give me, but because if everything is gone and we have nothing, I will still be there next to you, beside you, loving you, no matter what?" Maybe it will to someone.
I am so stupid. I drive my friends crazy too. I have said this before and I will say it again, but the Beastie Boys ruined me. It's all their fault. Check your head is right. I'm beginning to think that Rob Dyrdek or some other goofy retard is bound to end up my soul mate. Maybe that's because I myself, am a goofy retard.
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