Friday, July 15, 2011

Rude or Not Rude?

This morning Don was listening to The Bert Show and they were debating whether or not it's rude to say "You look good, for having two kids" or A kid, or FOUR kids, you get the point.  Don asked me what I thought and I said that I really try not to say that.  I try to say "You look good" and then I may say "I can't believe you have kids" or "I can't believe you just had a kid".  I think that saying "You look good for having four kids" or "You're smart, for having brain trauma" -any kind of compliment with an add-on is sort of like saying "I'm sorry, BUT".  The reason is this:  you are saying that someone rates well in one category, but not in another.  You look good FOR HAVING A KID, but NOT  when compared to those who don't have kids.  (Which is completely ridiculous.  Have you seen some of the women who don't have kids?)

People often tell me that I look good for having two sets of twins and I don't take offense to it because I know that most people don't dissect their words and that they really are complimenting me.  I also think that people are genuinely shocked and therefore, why would I take offense to that?  That's awesome!  I'm 30 and have five children, four of them I have carried, and I am blessed to be the same size that I was when I was in high school- maybe smaller from being so busy with them.  I work out, I take care of myself, so whatever compliment I get, I take.  However, I still  don't think it's the best way to compliment a mother.

It also depends on who's saying it.  Mothers should know that there's a better way of complimenting a fellow mother.  I feel this way because I experienced mean moms when I was just a baby myself, having babies. Now that I am older, I see it firsthand.  I have recently heard other mothers making snide comments about the young mothers in bikinis at the pool, and why?  Jealousy.  Be happy for them and understand that they are young!  It's not their fault that you're older, I believe that God was the one who breathed life into you in 1965, not them.  Don't be mean!  When I was at the bus stop with my kids, no one talked to me.  Women would tell me what to do constantly or put me down, like I didn't know what I was doing because I was young.  AND I had two at a time....how many of them could say that?  How would they know any better than I did?  Easy.  They didn't. I can't stand women like that and I vow never to behave that way.  Women can be mean and it's because of them that people even have to wonder "Was that a compliment or a jab?"  It's all about intention and I can tell when the added on "for having kids" is a jab and when it isn't.  There are certain women, even some of my friends, who would rather gnaw their faces off than give someone else a compliment, sometimes me.  There are women who'd rather stick their fingers into a running Cuisinart than to make someone else feel good.  And I know who you are......

Women are so ridiculous sometimes, I am surprised that more men don't end up gay. 

It's simple.....be true of heart, say what you want to say in the nicest way possible.  A compliment is meant to make someone else feel good.  If there is a chance that you may slip, keep your mouth shut.  If you are trying to LOOK like a nice person, but would rather drink Drano than to compliment someone, SHUT UP.  Everyone sees through you anyway, so you may as well not bother giving someone a fake compliment. 

Mom, fellow mother of twins, I'd love for you to comment on this.  Any mother reading, I would love your feedback! 


Here's the Word of the Day:

apodictic \ap-uh-DIK-tik\, adjective:
1. Necessarily true or logically certain.
2. Incontestable because of having been demonstrated or proved to be demonstrable.

5 comments:

  1. Britt you are totally right about everything! Old moms are bitter, and "for having kids" is such a backhanded compliment. I've complained about my pudge being impossible to rid myself of (I ran a total of 50 miles in 1 week and I gained 4 lbs)...and when I complain my aunt said "oh, but your mom". Oh, okay so I'll just forego ever aspiring to be hot again.

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  2. Ever since that nasty woman came up to me in the grocery store the summer before the twins were born and told me I looked like an elephant, I've learned to not pay any attention to what other women say. The reality of that comment is that at that particular time, I had only gained 20 pounds and didn't know I was carrying twins - who the heck made her the Head Cop of the Pregnancy Beat? Some women are like that old nursery rhyme "There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead - and when she was good, she was very very good. And when she was bad she was HORRID." Those nasty comments are all about jealousy and insecurity and the desire to tear someone down in order to feel better about themselves. Not worth the time and energy - people like that. Some women never make it out of middle school - sad to say. And don't get me started about women who haven't had twins and their opinions about "how to do it." Seriously????????

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  3. I agree totally - compliments with "add ons" ought not to be said. I don't understand why we women have to be so mean to each other. We are all just people. We all make mistakes and achievements. We each have burdens that we carry, joys and sorrows; all unbeknownst to these "mean" women who won't take the time to truly get to know you or me. We just have to do as mom says and "let it go". :)

    A quote for the day:
    "For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

    For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

    For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

    For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

    For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

    People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

    Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of each of your arms.

    As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

    The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair.

    The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

    The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years." Audrey Hepburn

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  4. Thank you for all of the comments! I am happy to know that I'm not the only girl who thinks that mean girls SUCK!

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  5. I totally agree! Complimets should come from the heart. If they don't then they shouldn't be spoken. I have actually just gotten one of those compliments. It went something like this: "Wow, you look good for just having a baby, but don't worry you'll get back to your pre-pregnancy weight soon." I know this person didn't mean anything by it, but I think we could all benefit (myself included) by running through in our head what we want to say before actually saying it!

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