Damn You, Sticker Families

I have blogged about sex, politics, religion, gay marriage and what did I get the biggest backlash for?  Bumper stickers.  I made a comment about those stick figure families on the back of cars and WW3 broke out on Facebook.  HA!  Proving my theory and moving right along......

Mandatory Science Fair.....hahahaha!!!

Enough Said

Things I Know About You if You Have a Million Bumper Stickers on Your Car

1.      You drive ONE MILE PER HOUR-Seriously.  This morning I got caught behind this lady and by the time I got to 92, I was screaming at her "You'd BETTER be going straight, lady!!!!"  I turned right and thought to myself a million bumper stickers.  Of course.  What did I expect?

2.      You are an a**hole and so are your conceited kids-One or two stickers is fine.  You're proud.  I get it.  But seriously, why do you feel the need to advertise every single thing that your kid does?  Why don't you also add stickers every time your kid uses the toilet and wipes his own butt?  I'm sure if they made them, you'd stick them on the back of your vehicle because you are a huge tool. 

3.      99% of the time, you are a mini-van-This is true.  Oh, and I should add that there isn't an unspoken rule that IF you drive a van, you have to slap on 500 bumper stickers about your kid.  I drive one, I don't have one sticker. My kids know I'm proud.  I don't need to tell anyone else.  There also isn't a rule stating that you have to drive 13 miles per hour everywhere you go.  I drive fast and I drive a mini-van.  You wanna know why?  I have a V6 engine.  I have places to be....get a move on. A van isn't code for slow and stupid.  I may get cheeseburgers thrown at my head and swerve occasionally while reaching for Sippy cups that are sliding back and forth and clanging across the car, but I am not slow and stupid.  The other one percent in this section are hippies in a little tiny car.  Why?  They have a million things to talk about (animal cruelty, dirty air, the desire to coexist, guns are bad, and expressing dolphin love and veganism) and their cars are small, so they take up the whole back easily.  I find it interesting that these people are usually in cars that pollute more than any others and probably haven't passed an emissions test since 1973. 

4.      You are not hot.

5.      You were probably a loser in school and you are living vicariously through your child. 

6.      I wouldn't be friends with you because you are a dork. 

The Blonde Joke

Daughters

You know that John Mayer song, "Daughters"?  The words make me want to cry because they're so true.  It all starts with the dad in the family.  Dads are so important in a family. 


My dad sent this to me last week.
I do usually call him Dad.



Daughters-John Mayer

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Flashback Friday-My First Memory

I don't have many memories before the age of five.  I probably have 5 total.  I don't remember my parents ever being in the same room together except two times, which is very bizarre if you ask me.  They divorced when I was five, almost six I guess, and I remember absolutely nothing.  One of the times I remember them being together was when I was riding my bike.  I went in the house to get something and heard them fighting, so I went back outside without what I had gone in for and I continued to ride my bike.  I remember it being dark in the house, almost all brown or something.  I remember really dark cabinets and a ramp outside that I used to ride my bike on.  That's it.  That's pretty much the only thing I remember of the two of them. I watch videos and think "Why don't I remember anything about this time?"  I remember nothing. 

Memories are strange.  Most of the time you are wrong about what happened in some way because they are subjective.  Something that was important to me may not have been to someone else, and vice versa.  I saw a lady on Oprah once who remembered every day of her life and she said it was horrible.  I'll bet!!! 

Anyway, I know what my earliest memory is.  I remember it so vividly that I had always assumed I was a lot older than I was....then I saw a picture of myself.  I remember sitting on my grandma's bathroom sink; it was a 60's countertop with gold sparkles.  I was wearing a bunny costume and my mom was painting whiskers on my face.  That's it.  That's what I remember.  It may not be a big memory, but I remember it like I was ten years old. So guess how old I was.  It was Halloween after my first birthday, which meant that I was 14 months old. That's crazy.  I can't remember my parents in the same room at five years old, but I remember getting whiskers painted on my face when I wore diapers.

What was your first memory? 

Dreams

I used to remember my dreams better than I do now, I guess because I used to sleep more.  I did remember my dream a couple of nights ago and thought it was really weird.  I dreamed that my vitamins had black mold on them and I had been taking them without noticing it; very strange.  I have very strange dreams.

Once, I dreamed that someone I knew had a third nostril and I didn't want to say anything because I would hurt his feelings.  I remember thinking "Why did I not notice this third nostril before?"  I thought that maybe he hadn't noticed either, so I just didn't ask about it. 

I have dreams about my teeth falling out or crumbling, but I also grind my teeth while I sleep.  Not too long ago, I had a dream that there were snakes in my bed.  I looked that up as well.  Snakes have a lot of meanings. 

Mold
To see mold in your dream indicates that something in your life has been ignored or is no longer of any use. It may also represent transformation and new growth.

Deformities
To dream that you or someone is deformed represents undeveloped aspects of yourself that you may have ignored. Your refusal to acknowledge these characteristics may be affecting your performance and creative flow.

Teeth

To dream that you your teeth have fallen out and you try to refit them back into the mouth signifies a lack of self-confidence and embarrassment. You are afraid that others will know of your short-comings. If you acted calmly in your dream, then it may point to how can make the best out of any situation. You are able to rise above unfavorable circumstances.

Note: If your teeth fell out, wouldn't you feel embarrassed or afraid people would see your short-comings, or LACK OF TEETH???  Honestly, I think I am just afraid that I am going to grind them until they crumble and break.  My dentist told me to wear a mouth guard, but I don't.

Snakes

To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. Alternatively, the snake may be seen as phallic and thus symbolize temptation, dangerous and forbidden sexuality. In particular, to see a snake on your bed suggests that you are feeling sexually overpowered or sexually threatened. You may be inexperienced, nervous or just unable to keep up. If you are afraid of the snake, then it signifies your fears of sex, intimacy or commitment. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive change.

I end with this:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xrdmz_the-cranberries-dreams_music

Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different if I Ruled It (Or if Girls did in General)

1.)    There Wouldn't Be Wars-Girls fight differently.  We would all sit down together, talk it all out, and decide that if someone is not cooperating, we would just shut them out of the World’s circle and not trade with them.  “OMG, China, did you hear what Venezuela did?? Don’t talk to them until they stop.”  We are really good at remembering our enemies and everything that they have done and we’re sort of like the Mafia in that we're killers who come with smiles.  (Thank you, Henry Hill from Good Fellas.)  We would just shut them out, simple as that.  If you don’t want to participate in a positive conversation and if you don't want to behave, then I guess you’ll be all alone at recess.  No one likes you!

2.)    We would not only have a Take Your Daughter to Work Day, but one for Sons-In general, I think that this Male vs. Female thing isn’t working.  We don’t need to forget about boys all together.  Men are wonderful and bring a lot of good qualities that women don’t have.  We need to teach them not to behave as gorillas, to respect women, and a way to do that is to teach EQUALITY to both sexes.  How can you preach equality to women while bashing men?  It’s so stupid.  I love my boys and they are awesome in ways that I have never been.  And really, does anyone like a woman who hates men?  NO!  They’re bitter old hags who have a million cats and eat frosting directly from the container.

Dylan, My Hero. :)

3.)    I look at all children as if they were my own.-I’m not saying that men don’t care about the children of the world, but I will tell you something….if I were president, I would not be able to bomb someplace where a child is laying there, sleeping, totally innocent and sweet.  The thought of taking a mother’s child from them and taking a child’s life makes me sick.  I would stick to bombing the people who actually enter the military….but I wouldn’t need to bomb anyone, because the women leaders would use the silent treatment and lack of trade as weapons. 

4.)    I Value Education for Girls-Obviously, we are empathetic to girls because we ARE girls.  We have walked in each others’ shoes and if we haven’t, we have the ability to imagine it.  We understand why we need support to become successful, and we understand why education helps us to have better lives, and as a result, we can offer better lives to our children.  Studies show that if you educate women, men’s lives are also better.  There is less crime, less poverty, less violence, and more production.  My dad wanted me to be smart and successful, but not all men are like that because they are about one DNA strand short from being a Gorilla, pounding their chests and grunting.  If we could just lock these men up, we would be better off.  They’re morons and they hurt people.  As soon as we are sexual objects and forced to become hookers (this happens to 12-year-olds around the world every day), our lives are over.  American girls are so lucky.  We need to help other girls, simple as that. We need to be empathetic, since the gorillas are not.

5.)    I am not power hungry-It’s important for me to state right now that I am making generalizations; obviously, I don’t mean all of this across the board.  So now that I have said this, have you ever noticed how men have a natural instinct to rule and conquer?  It’s not a coincidence that there are always more men in office; it's because they have a desire to be powerful.  It’s scientific.  It’s normal.  Men want to be powerful in their jobs, in their household, and in their bedrooms.  We are not instinctually like that.  So maybe the world needs girls who want to MAKE A DIFFERENCE and are not seeking power and respect.   Need proof of this?  Ever heard of penis envy? Napoleon complex?  Do we have vagina envy?  No.  No one is jealous of someone’s big vagina….in fact, I doubt that we think much about how different they can be.  I certainly don’t.  Therefore, this could not be brought into politics.  Next time you hear a huge truck, burning fossil fuels, look in the window, look at the driver, and just know that there is something that guy is compensating for….I know you already do.  Right?  Or is it just me?

6.)    Mothers are great negotiators-We have the ability to break up fights and come up with solutions that everyone can be happy with.  I think that we try to be fair.  Period.  We problem solve in order to make everyone happy. 

7.)    The deficit may get worse-Since I am making a lot of generalizations here for humor’s sake, I will do it again and say that girls like shoes.  This MAY be a problem when it comes to spending the World’s money.  We would definitely be in trouble if I were in charge.  We’d starve for sure.  I would not pay attention to this aspect, BUT Warren Buffett would be my Chief Financial Advisor.

8.)    Capital Punishment would be more humane, yet more creative-I know a lot of moms who when their kids fight, come up with the most creative punishments.  One mother I know gave the kids wipes and sent them to clean baseboards.  She said “When you meet in the middle, you can stop.”  I have done that.  I would be humane to criminals, but they would not be sitting there like lumps of crap, working out and eating on the tax-payer’s dollar.  I would put them to work.  I would also educate them so that when they got out, they would have a different way of making a living and understand that there is a better life out there for them.  Also, I would educate people BEFORE they are in a bad situation.  I am all about prevention.  BUT there is something I would do that is not humane.  And I mean it with all of my heart.  I would do it myself if someone touched my child…..If you use your penis as a weapon on a child, or on a woman, guess what….you lose it. BYE BYE!  Hope it was worth it because NOW you don’t have a penis.  If you use your hand to molest a child….GUESS WHAT!  Your violin-playing days are over.  Oh, and you will rot in prison forever.  Forever.  No parole.  You’re sick, you’re beyond help, and I will let you sit there until God spares you and decides your fate.  Absolutely disgusting and I have no heart for people like this.

9.)    I would reward people for doing good deeds-So much of the world is backwards.  I think you should practice positive reinforcement whenever you can and stop making it easy for the lazy while making it tough for those trying to do well for themselves.  A little tough love goes a long way and rewarding good deeds just makes sense.

10.) People wouldn’t starve-Why are people starving to death?  I don’t get it.  Get those a-hole men apes out of office and bring some food to their people.  It’s ridiculous.  We have enough food.  It’s not right.  It makes me sick. 

I have posted this before, but I am doing it again......it's powerful. 


http://youtu.be/1e8xgF0JtVg