Flashback Friday-Are We Still Talking About Color?

I am sorry I haven't written. Honestly, I haven't had a good reason except for that life just happened. Sometimes I just decide to buckle down and focus on other things for a while and I have to say, I have a lot to focus on right now. My new job? Ummmm awesome. It's going to be awesome. Love the people, love the building....everything. This type of law is much more interesting and the job is a great fit for me because I get to make life easier for my very busy boss. I love that.

Flashback Friday. With all of this Paula Deen crap and some things that upset me in my personal life, I realize once again how racist people are. I don't understand it.  If you don't like someone, at least dig deeper. I'm sure anyone can find a legitimate reason for disliking another person, but people don't dare to dig because that would make too much sense. They don't want to like the person.  It upsets me that I will never know how it feels to be treated badly because of my skin, because I'm white. I will never know the advantages I've had simply for being the color I am. I didn't earn that. It isn't right. But I do care about those who know how it feels, and I guess that's all I can do.

I remember Yasmine. She was my nanny from Haiti.  I had many nannies from around the world, which I always forget. When I react so passionately about race and culture issues, I like to say "It's just wrong! That's why I'm mad!" But I forget that there is a very logical reason why I am not a cruel, ignorant person. It's because I was able to humanize people who were different than me at a young age, and my mother is an amazing person for exposing me to these wonderful ladies. My nannies probably shaped me as a human being more than I realize. So to be fair to all the idiots out there, sorry you didn't have nannies. You should've. Maybe now you should travel. 

Anyway, back to Yasmine. Yasmine was from Haiti. She used to pray with us at night. And she told me "People aren't different. You and me, we aren't different. It's just skin, Brittany." And I remember her telling me not to be afraid of people just because they look different. That's really all I remember....but I remember. She was so sweet. And when I think of someone being mean to her because she is black, I think, what a shame. People really miss out, being morons. 

Come on, people. Stop being idiots! And Paula Deen, your Chicken Pot Pies suck. 

Arms

I think that some people could use this right now.....

I love this song because it says "it's easier for you to let me go".  We all struggle in our own skin, so the only reason to be in a relationship with someone is because that someone helps you deal and want to be better, enhancing your life.  You are supposed to bring each other up, not down.  I think we all just want to know that we are loved unconditionally and accepted even with our flaws.  If you have found someone who loves you regardless of your flaws, hang onto them.  It's really rare for someone to say "I know all that, but I don't care.  I love you anyway." 

You shouldn't settle for less.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf5X4-hFZ48


ARMS, Christina Perri

I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go
You put your arms around me and I'm home

How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

The world is coming down on me and I can't find a reason to be loved
I never wanna leave you but I can't make you bleed if I'm alone

You put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up
I've never truly loved 'Till you put your arms around me
And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go


I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me, 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home

You put your arms around me and I'm home

Top 10 Reasons To Become a Rapper

1.       Your power could get cut off, your boss could yell at you, your house could burn down, but you’re good as long as your bitches love you.

 

2.       Having gold teeth is not a sign of dental neglect. 

 

3.       You get to make it rain.  Doing it with Monopoly money just isn’t the same.  Trust me.

 

4.       You get to yell things like “Twoooooo Chaiiiiiins” and people will pay you.  I walk around yelling that while I clean my house and no one throws me two pennies.

 

5.       You get to put Lil in front of your name even if you weigh 500 pounds.

 

6.       You can get old and no one cares.  Dre will be the coolest thing a nursing home has ever seen.

 

7.       You can wear sunglasses at night and no one thinks you're a douche.  Let's be honest.  A dark club is a perfect place for SUNglasses.

 

8.        You can speak like Lil John and no one will be confused. 

 

 

It just isn't as accurate coming from me.

 

 

 

 9.        You get to dive in swimming pools of liquor.

 

 

 

10.        You get to wear cool hats. 

 

                  

            

Me, in a cool hat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bubble Girl

I am beginning to think that I should walk around in a bubble.  Even better, I should wrap myself in CAUTION tape and wear a red, blinking hard hat.

I locked my keys in my car yesterday.  I was on the phone with my contractor and ran out to the car to get some papers.  I must have hit the lock button on the keyless entry and I put the keys on the seat and closed the door.  I went back inside to put my gym shoes on, looked around for the keys and couldn't find them.  I went back outside, looked on the seat and SURE ENOUGH, they were locked inside the car.  I called a locksmith and he was there in a jiffy, for $110.  Awesome.

I have a cut on my back because I was on the ab bench, which was inclined as far as it would go; and when I was finished with my sit-ups, I decided it might be fun to slide down because it was so steep.  It was fun until I cut my back on a weight that was on the floor.  After my friend and my trainer called me a dork, I said "Hey, is there a scratch on my back?  It kinda burns."  They started laughing and said "You're bleeding!" 

Last week I ripped off my toenail because I kicked a toy truck.

The week before that, my house burned down.

I have always thought that I did stuff like this because of the kids (they certainly don't help with my focus) but they are out of town and I am still doing stuff like this.   I know that a lot of what has happened to me I couldn't have prevented, but the goofy stuff is totally me.  My co-worker noticed that I seem to spiral out of control and get overly chatty and hyper around 3:00, which is typical for a person with ADHD.  She said "Adderall would change your life".  I am really scared to take something because I read an article about this girl who started hallucinating in the shower.  She swore there were spiders crawling all over her body.  I would rather lock my keys in my car every day of my life than for spiders to be crawling all over me, real or not.

I don't know.  Maybe I just have a lot going on right now......or that's just me.  I know I am spacey, which makes me a control freak in other ways.  I like things a certain way because it makes me feel in control.  I have such a hard time focusing, it is exhausting, so I like having things a particular way.  That way, I don't have to think about it.  It's all there the way I like it. 

I constantly feel like I am battling myself. 

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

My life is always busy.  I have four kids, I work full time, I am no longer married, and there are certain things I do every day (like the gym) that I refuse to give up just because I am busy.  I am on the go all the time, and honestly, I prefer to be busy because I do naturally have a lot of energy.  Now that I have been uprooted as well, I am dealing with the insurance company, getting organized, and trying to gain some sort of normalcy. When I do have a break, I am juggling phone calls and trying to see and talk to those who love me and who worry about me.  One might understand that I didn’t have time for a lot before the fire, so I would think that after the fire, it would be even more obvious.

It apparently isn’t obvious to everyone.

Because I am now single, I suppose that has piqued some interest from the opposite sex and I will be honest, I am a bit aloof—not because I am mean, but because I am not “there” yet.   I get along with guys and have a lot of friends, but I am not dating and I am not concerned with it.  (I wasn’t before the fire either.)  I have no problem being alone and I don’t worry that I will be alone.  And let’s be serious…yes, we all love having someone in our life, but if the only reason you want someone is because you fear being alone, you may want to reevaluate what you’re doing.  This past week I was called “guarded and weird” by someone who apparently doesn’t understand what I have on my plate, even now.   I waited for the “just kidding” but it never came.  Instead, I laughed and said “Are you serious???”   This is humorous on all kinds of levels, but mainly because “weird and guarded” is not how someone I am interested in would EVER describe me.  Actually, no one on the planet would call me guarded.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am completely open.  Even doped up homeless people wouldn’t describe me as guarded— I know because they have no qualms about talking to me.  I am approachable, simple as that.   If I don’t want to have sex with you, yes, I suppose I guard myself.  Why wouldn’t I?  Says nothing about me, dude.  Sounds like a hooker in ATL may be what you’re looking for; they don’t have time to be guarded—me on the other hand…..I’ve got all day.

Most guys are totally fine being just my friend, but to some, the concept is foreign.  Therefore, I am trying to be really honest to those who may be interested because I don’t want there to be any confusion—I have had a few of these conversations just this week.   I have started looking out the window for a full moon because all of a sudden I feel some people getting annoyed with me for never being able to hang out or date.  So to defend guys….I understand that my personality is confusing.  I am outgoing and friendly and I get along with and relate to men.  This is enough for some to be confused about my intentions.  I remember that scene in “Dumb and Dumber” when Lauren Holly tells Jim Carrey what his chances are and she says “More like one in a million” and he says “So you’re telling me I have a chance!”  They can’t help it.  But neither can I, and I am not changing for anyone. 

One of my guy friends said to me this morning “I understand.  It’s ok.  You’re an independent woman.”  You know what I thought? “Thank you” not because he was understanding about it, but because I take it as a compliment.  This is a different place from where I was last year.   I feel like I prayed for strength and God gave it to me.  God gave me the ability to be happy alone, content with my life and where I am at, and reach out when I need it.  It’s easy to be comfortable in your own skin when you have as many friends and family members as I do.  I don’t need a guy just so I won’t be alone.  Actually, freedom is something that will probably be hard for me to give up now. 

Of course, there will be a guy who is an exception to my lack of time, and he will know who he is.  This guy will be one who won’t keep me locked in a cage, but who instead loves to watch me fly.  You know how a dove always comes back to its magician?  That's me, except I won't be doing stupid tricks for money.  The guy I am with will be independent, he will not be with me because he needs me, but rather because I make him happy and he likes making me happy.   It's taken me a long time to figure out what works for me, and honestly, my kids, my job, myself, and the people who love me are who come first.  Guys who don’t like it or can’t handle it and just want to bitch at me….ain’t nobody got time for that.  Especially a single mom of four whose house just burned down.

Peace out, hope you're reading.....

Happy Father's Day

I would like to say this today….fathers are so important to the way a child turns out as an adult.  I am not going to get too deep about the Women’s Movement, but I will say this: although we women sometimes have to raise our kids alone and can if necessary, it doesn’t mean it’s the best way and it doesn’t mean that fathers are unnecessary.  Good fathers are irreplaceable, just as good mothers are irreplaceable.  Notice that I said GOOD fathers and mothers…..and this may not happen through blood relation.  However it happens, fathers are a blessing and they are needed. 

Hats off to all of the good dads out there.  You’re awesome.

I feel like I have three dads.  My dad, Greg, and Don's dad.  They have all been there for me and taught me what a man looks like.  I just want to take a second to thank the most important guys in my life....

Dad, you gave me my eyes....you know, the ones that are green until they're blue?  Have we decided what color our eyes are yet?  Ha ha.  I have always seen you work hard, I've always seen you happy in the mornings, and I have always witnessed a silly sense of humor and happy disposition when watching you go through life.  That has been a big part of who I am, whether it's genetic or habit, but either way, thank you.  I don't have "daddy issues" because I have always known you love me, no matter what.  That's been so important in my life.  Thank you for always telling me how much you love me and that I am capable of more than I think.  Thank you for all of those lectures on the way to school about using my full potential, even though I never listened.  Thank you for buying my friends and I concert tickets and all of the dollar bills you used to give me.  Seriously.  I have a lot of great high school memories because you funded them.  Thank you for everything, Dad.  I love you. 

Gerg, you may have come into my life at a later age, but you are so important to me.  You made my mom happy, so right there you won me over.  Then I realized that you're freaking awesome.  You have done so much for me over the years that you didn't have to do but you did because you love my mom and me.  I laugh so hard when I am with you and you have taught me to be more logical and break things down before reacting emotionally.  I love that you're a reader and that I have someone to talk and analyze books, history and politics with.  You're so much fun to hang out with.  Love you, Gerg. 

Bill, you will always be my dad.  When I think about how God wants us to be, I picture being like you.  You have dedicated your life to your family and doing the right thing, and when you make a mistake you are always willing to correct it.  You spoil me rotten, but not really rotten, because it melts my heart and makes me want to hug you and keep you on this planet forever and give to other people the way you give to me.  Your time, your resources...you are always there.  You are an amazing person.  You are always there for me and the kids and my life would be so different without you.  I love you.

I think John Mayer says it best...I really do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2AzaOQllBQ


And is this not the creepiest song ever? Ewww. I don't wanna call you daddy and I certainly don't want you to be my father figure. Gross. 

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x17pcz_george-michael-father-figure_music

Flashback Friday-31 Flavors

Sometimes my friends request blogs or they'll ask me to incorporate a word for them, just to see if I can do it.  One of my friends asked me to blog about Baskin Robbins for Flashback Friday, so that's what I am doing.  Side note: I have not had all 31 flavors because I am lactose intolerant.  I have to eat milk-free ice cream or take a pill before I eat regular ice cream.  It makes me sick, so I just don't eat it.

Oh, and "ice cream" has no business not being hyphenated.  I don't know what genius in the Mythical English Department thought that one up.  It makes no sense to me.


Baskin-Robbins' History 

Burton "Burt" Baskin and Irvine "Irv" Robbins both loved ice cream.  Irv opened Snowbird Ice Cream and Burt opened "Burton's, both in California.  By 1948, they both had six stores between them. This grew into Baskin Robbins.   The two pioneered the concept of franchising in the ice cream industry, without knowing it, because they realized that to maintain high quality they had to have a manager watching out for each location.

In 1949, there were more than 40 stores in Southern California. They also bought a dairy bank that year, which allowed complete control over the production of their ice cream and the development of new ingredients and flavors.  By 1953  the ice cream chain dropped the separate identities of Snowbird and Burton's and became Baskin-Robbins. A local advertising agency, Carson/Roberts, advised a uniform identity and image under the name Baskin-Robbins 31 Ice Cream. The "31®" logo represents a flavor for every day of the month.  (Note to self: I wonder what they do for February, April, June, September and November.)

Baskin-Robbins continued to expand, and by the mid-1960s, the company had become an ice cream empire with more than 400 stores throughout the United States. In the 1970s the chain went international, opening stores in Japan, Saudi Arabia, Korea and Australia.

 

Trevor Hall, 31 Flavors


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbNxwWxb8_w


I wanna show you that my love is pure
Oh my baby see I ask for nothing more
I wanna show you that my love is for real
Oh pretty girl what gave you the right to steal
My heart, it's in your hands
Oh your beauty occupies all of my land
Well I am, yes sir, just a man in love

Now that I've found you well I know I'm never ever alone
No need for letters, No need to call you on telephones
You occupy my mind every single day and night
Spread like wild fire
People tell me I'm a crazy fool
If I'm possessed then what is there to do
You're my queen, prettier than the girls in magazines
You make Cupid cry

And I would lay down and die
For one glimpse of those open eyes
How am I to describe
The one who holds the Sun's Fire

Well I've tasted 31 flavors
Seen the world and all its neighbors
But I tell you nothing is as sweet
As the feeling I get inside when I look into those eyes
You choke me up inside and I can't breath
Tell me what is it I can do
Just to prove my love to you
Tell me how many songs that I must sing
Before I can see you in your glory
Hear your whole entire story
Bathe inside your golden golden sea
Oh I tell you you're my queen

My eyes are blind
All I can find
Is your love in me
Oh I tell you you're my queen

I am hypnotized
Oh you got me
You got me drowning in your sea

Addicted to Twerking

One of my friends posted this on Facebook and I laughed the whole time.  OMG.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkXZocIK5gQ

He also posted this a while back.....I think he is just dying to twerk himself.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmw9JFMfQSw

Irony

Last night I was cleaning up the boys' toys and I didn't see one of their giant trucks on the floor.  I kicked it just right and 3/4 of my toenail came off.  It hurt.  I didn't have Band-aids because I am in a new house and it was bleeding a lot, so Don's dad came over and bandaged it up for me.  I then drew a face on it.  I laughed for 10 minutes.  It looked like my toe was heading to a KKK meeting.  I get a kick out of the dumbest things.  Lindsey and the boys giggled too this morning when they saw it.

Anyway, I was thinking about how ironic it is that I made a mess by bleeding from the toe while cleaning up a mess.  It's like getting into a car accident while putting on your seatbelt.  Then I decided that I should blog about irony. 

Let's go over irony, shall we?  I love something ironic, but I really hate when it is misused. We can thank Alanis Morissette for this.  Her cluster of stupid coincidences misinformed an entire generation of English students. 


From NY Times:

Isn’t It Ironic? Probably Not

By BOB HARRIS

In “Reality Bites,” Winona Ryder, applying for a newspaper job, is stumped when asked to “define irony.” It’s a good question. Ryder replies, “Well, I can’t really define irony … but I know it when I see it.” Really?

Irony confuses. Let’s leave dramatic irony (you know, back when irony was tragic and the audience knew what was going to happen to Oedipus before he did) aside, as well as the debate over the supposed death of irony.  Instead, let’s talk about how we talk — and write.

Irony requires an opposing meaning between what’s said and what’s intended. Sounds simple, but it’s not. A paradox, something that seems contradictory but may be true, is not an irony. The Times stylebook, which, believe me, can be harsh, offers useful advice:

The loose “use of irony and ironically, to mean an incongruous turn of events, is trite. Not every coincidence, curiosity, oddity and paradox is an irony, even loosely. And where irony does exist, sophisticated writing counts on the reader to recognize it.”

Alanis Morissette’s song “Ironic” is equally useful. If it rains on your wedding day, that’s a coincidence, not an irony. If you win the lottery and drop dead before claiming the money, it’s good luck followed by bad luck. If you meet the man of your dreams and then meet his beautiful wife, it’s a bummer. But if a song called “Ironic” contains no irony, is that in itself ironic? Nope.
It may just be … dumb. It depends on the creator’s intent. So, as has been suggested, if Morissette purposely wrote a song called “Ironic” that contained no irony at all, is that ironic? We may be getting closer. Do you know irony when you see it?

What’s something you’ve read — other than a novel by Jane Austen — that’s ironic?


IRONY 101

Linguistic Irony: In language, either in spoken or written form in which the real meaning is concealed or contradicted by the literal meanings of the words (verbal irony) or in a situation in which there is an incongruity between what is expected and what occurs (dramatic irony). This is known as sarcasm.

Situational Irony: This type of irony may occur when the outcome of a certain situation is completely different than what was initially expected. It is often referred to as an “irony of events.”
(Like an Olympic swimmer winning the gold and then later drowning.)

Dramatic Irony: When an audience knows what is about to happen but the characters do not.  (Basically, think about all of the times you are screaming "RUN!" at the TV.  You know the character is about to be killed, but they don't.)



Origin of IRONY, from Encyclopedia Britannica:

The term irony has its roots in the Greek comic character Eiron, a clever underdog who by his wit repeatedly triumphs over the boastful character Alazon. The Socratic irony of the Platonic dialogues derives from this comic origin. Feigning ignorance and humility, Socrates goes about asking silly and obvious questions of all sorts of people on all sorts of subjects, only to expose their ignorance as more profound than his own. The nonliterary use of irony is usually considered sarcasm.

Just in case I wasn't clear, Ted explains irony in a useful video.

http://ed.ted.com/search?utf8=%E2%9C%93&qs=irony


You know, I think Winona Ryder may have had it right when she said "I know it when I see it" because it's so damn confusing.  How do you feel?  Now I am wondering if it is ironic that my toe made a mess while I was cleaning, or whether or not it is truly ironic to die in a car accident while putting on your seatbelt....were these just examples of Zemblanity?  (The opposite of Serendipity.)  All this blog did was make me dumber. 

All Is Right

Since I am so candid about my underwear....

My Universe is now complete!  Brea sent me a giant Gilly Hicks box with like 7 bras and 16 pairs of underwear! Girls, Victoria's Secret sucks.  I promise, you will LOVE these bras and undies and you will never again want to shop at VS.  GH's quality is way better, they are cheaper, and they are fun and cute.  She also got me a couple of sports bras and a pair of yoga shorts. 

AND, they are having a sale right now.  I promise.  You won't be sorry. 

http://www.gillyhicks.com/shop/us/bras-and-undies

Moved In

I had a long weekend, but I am officially moved in at my rental house and checked out of the hotel.  There were so many people involved in this process and I am so grateful to all of them.  I still have a lot to do, but I have a place to rest my head, and the kids do down the hall.  (That's the best part!)  It's a beautiful house and my landlord is so sweet.  She is divorced with four kids and her sister's house was struck by lightning a few years ago, so it seemed meant to be.  We both feel like we have met before, but we don't know where.  On Saturday she brought me a Bamboo plant for good luck.

I am a little overwhelmed with all of the to-do's, so my blog will probably be short and sweet for a bit.  I am doing better though and I want to thank everyone for everything, especially the prayers.  When I get settled, I plan on reaching out to everyone individually. 

Have a great Monday!  I am GETTING BACK TO THE GYM TODAY.  I need weights, big time. 

 

 

My Mom's Blog-"My Leaping Heart"

When my mom finds time, she writes.  I hadn't had time to read this until a couple of days ago and it made me cry.  How could I not cry?

Mom, thanks for my tenacity, my strength, and my MAD writing skilz.  ;)  Ha ha. 

http://myleapingheart.blogspot.com/

Lindsey's Dance Pictures

We are moving into our temporary home today!  Furniture is coming at 9 am. (Rental company.)  I will take pictures.  Speaking of pictures, here are some from Lindsey's recital.  There are SO many more, but this is what I have so far....

Lindsey and Torie (her bestie)-Their first time performing on pointe.

I think all of these are from one of the Jazz numbers

Hip Hop.  This was weird to see.  My daughter can
dance a little too well. 

She's so cute!

I love this picture

Happy Birthday, Logan and Lindsey

I can't believe I have two 12-year-olds.  Insane!  The day I had them seems so long ago, but it also doesn't seem possible that it's been 12 years….and that I am 32.

I really don't know where I would be, who I would be, or what I would be doing without them.  When I had Carson and Dylan I was pretty much formed; I was an adult.  I was a baby when I had Logan and Lindsey.  I knew two things when I found out I was pregnant....that I would grow up and that I loved them.  In all honesty, I knew wasn't ready to be a mom, but that didn’t matter.  Who is ready?   I had nine months to figure it out and everything I didn't know, I knew I would learn along the way.   And while I have made mistakes with them, I realize that every parent makes mistakes, regardless of their age.  I must've done something right, so have all the people who have contributed to my kids' lives.  They're amazing kids and I am so proud of them. 

Happy birthday, Logan and Lindsey!  You are so loved.

 

 

Update

I am doing a lot better today. I saw my kids last night, I may have found a house, and my brain seems more on-point today. I have had a hard time at work this week because I am behind from the two days I missed last week, and I have been like “SQUIRREL!” every five seconds. If you have no idea what I am talking about, it’s from the movie “UP”. The dog, Doug, gets distracted every time he’s talking and turns and screams “SQUIRREL!” It’s pretty funny, and I relate to Doug. There is so much to do outside of work, I guess even if I “shut it off”, it seeps through.

I went in the house yesterday for the first time and I was shocked. I knew it was bad, but I can’t describe it. I knew it was bad, but I kept saying “I just want Bo (Dylan’s bear). I just want Bo.” Everyone kept telling me I wouldn’t find it. I didn’t believe them. I thought I could go in and sift through the ceiling, which was on the floor, but I didn’t realize that the mountains of crap had turned into Paper Mache. It was horrible. Not one thing can be salvaged in that room. The stench from and in the house is so bad, I can’t describe it. The only thing that I know to say is that it’s so strong that two nights ago, the neighbors called the fire department again because they swore it had started again. Five fire trucks were once again, in our cul-de-sac checking out my house. It’s a horrific smell.

I am being positive, but I need my kids. I can’t be without them anymore. This sucks. Carson and Dylan swam with me last night and Carson stayed with me. Dylan likes routine and always has, so he wanted to go back to Don’s. Carson though, he just could not get enough of me. He snuggled with me and talked and smiled nonstop….my heart melts around that kid. I am looking at a house and picking him up after I am finished. My goal today or tomorrow is to get back to the gym since I am feeling better. Thatwill be a sign that I am really doing better, when I work out.

As far as normalcy goes, I am sorry. There is none. The things that I usually write or care about are pretty much not there because I am consumed by the things going on and I apologize if you are sick of hearing about it. The process is just grueling: the emotions, the exhaustion, the ups and downs, getting into a house, renting furniture, the inventory of my house, the clean-up, all of it…it’s consuming. My sister should be here tomorrow, so that’s awesome. She is bringing my niece, Amelie. Logan and Lindsey’s birthday is on Friday, so I have to come up with something for them to celebrate turning 12. I am counting my blessings this week and just remaining as chill as possible. This will make me appreciate everything in my life so much more, and I know that. That’s what is getting me through it. And all of the prayers, I am sure.

I am still receiving so many calls and messages and donations and I once again, want to say thank you.

Angels and Underwear

Since I was a little girl, writing has been the way I deal with things and sort my feelings; it’s how I heal and move on.  It’s really the only true conduit for my emotions because it’s the only way I speak without getting excited and distracted. I feel like people fully understand what’s in my heart by what I put on paper.  Today I have so much to let go of and I have gotten a little sleep, so I am attempting to speak eloquently….it may not happen. 

The first thing that I want everyone to know is how filled with love my heart is.  It’s filled with joy, gratitude, and peace.  God is all around me and has been since the moment I woke up in that house.  I had no idea how many people cared about me and my children.  The phone calls, the messages on Facebook, the sites that were created on my behalf, the visits, the drop-offs…..I am just overwhelmed with love.  It’s unbelievable.  I want everyone to know that I am feeling peace during this very difficult and traumatic time and it is totally due to all of you.  It was a horrible thing that happened, but I can’t take it back and I wouldn’t at this point, because I am changed forever.  Never have I ever felt so blessed.  There isn’t a way for me to repay any of you except to tell you that I am thankful beyond what I can describe and when I get on my feet, I will always pay it forward, every day.  I have at times been a very trusting girl, even when I shouldn't be.  I have struggled to see the bad in people because I love seeing the good.  All I see this week is good.  It's so freaking awesome. 

It wasn't luck, it was God

When I stood outside of the house, the firemen kept asking me what woke me.  I said “Something, but I can’t remember.  There was something but I can’t remember what it was.” All I knew is that not ONE smoke detector went off and it was quiet except for the crackling and banging in the attic.  I remembered later that day what woke me.  I had been sleeping for maybe 30 minutes and a feeling woke me.  Nothing else.  A feeling and a voice within me saying exactly this: Brittany, get up.  Brittany, wake up NOW.  That isn’t the cat, it’s something else.  Wake up now!  I felt this intense fear before I woke up and that feeling is what woke me.  I wish I could describe how scary it was to be half-asleep and to have seen what I saw.  It was terrifying to be so confused and to try to make sense of it.  I realize that maybe I have never been scared in my life, because I have never felt fear like this in my life.  When I was alert, I heard bangs above me in the ceiling. I can’t get the sounds out of my head.  They were so violent.  Now I realize that the noises I heard were the beams falling down above me.  I smelled something, I ran down the hall to find smoke and all I could think was to get to the boys’ room.  I looked to my left and the bathroom door was ajar and I thought the light was on.  I realize now, the house was dark.  The only light I saw in the bathroom was fire and I didn’t realize it.  Sparks were spraying into the hallway between me and the boys’ doorway and I wanted to get through them.  Then I remembered I was alone.  I ran back to my room to the Brinks keypad to hit the fire button, but nothing was lit.  I considered grabbing pants and thought “Screw it.  No pants.  RUN.”  I ran down the stairs and out the front door.  I got out the door and realized that I had forgotten my cell phone. I was going to run back in for it, but I looked up and saw that my room was now lit up.  I realized I didn’t know where the fire was, and that’s when I ran to my neighbor’s house, banging on the door in my underwear and t-shirt.  It probably took 30 seconds to get out of the house.  If I had woken up 30 seconds later, I could have woken up to a completely different scene.  

Some miracles:

1. My kids were not home.  They were supposed to be.
2. I woke up even though there were no smoke detectors.
3. I forgot to pay my gas bill.  I just simply didn’t realize I had one due.  They turned the gas off the day of or the day earlier and I had no idea.  I can thank my ADD for once in my life.  It COULD have been worse, perhaps, had I paid that bill.  I have never had my gas turned off.
4. I have deadbolt locks on the inside of the house.  I hadn’t locked it that night and later when the firemen needed to move my car, the keys were not on the hook where they usually are.  They were somewhere upstairs but I couldn’t remember where.  Imagine if I would've had to run back in to look for my keys, or been locked inside the house. 
5. I got rid of Chipper, my cat, the Monday before because I thought he would be happier somewhere else.

ADD on ROIDS.

To anyone who knows what displacement feels like, you know that you don't function correctly.  Everything that I usually struggle with is 50 times harder and I am just hanging in there and taking one day at a time.  I have a hard time focusing and being everywhere I need to be normally, so my ADD is really kicking my butt right now.  I feel like I am on sensory overload and it takes me so much longer to process a simple thought right now.  I even have a kidney infection because drinking water is pretty much impossible for me to remember to do.  If it weren't for my family, friends and community, I would just curl up into a ball and shake.   I went to work today which was very difficult.  I wasn't exactly thinking about anything, but my brain didn't feel connected to what I was doing either.  I am confused and slow and although I laugh and smile once in a while, I am also jumpy and emotionally drained.  I have little rashes under my eyes from the salt in my tears, if that tells you how much I have cried.  I am afraid to fall asleep and when I do, I have nightmares about fire.  The lack of sleep, I am sure, is making me on edge.  Today when my phone shorted out, that was enough to send me over.  Tears welled up as I stared at my phone and I wanted to punch something and scream.  I thought "Like I need this right now?"  I am not able to really see my kids right now and we miss each other.  That's the worst part about all of this.  I love them more than anything and yet, my attention has to be on everything else right now.  I went to bed one night and my life was one way and now I feel as if I have been catapulted from a cannon and into the unknown.  It will all be ok, but the process is going to be rough.  There's no way around it. 

What DO you really need?  You need underwear.

In the end, stuff is just stuff.  That's all it is.  I have told everyone close to me that when you die, you die with your tombstone.  On mine it will say "Mother, daughter, friend, sister" and that's all that counts.  You don't take your stuff with you.  I have never been materialistic, so I am alright.  However, it's weird to feel that way and then at the same time realize that you take underwear and your toothbrush and socks for granted on a daily basis.  It's strange to realize that you both do and don't need and it's even stranger to have to take a mental inventory of what goes on those two lists, all within a few days and with no warning.  I think the Beatles had it right when they said "All you need is love" except I would add "and underwear".   

All I have talked about missing (other than Dylan's bear, Bo) is my underwear.  I am obsessed with my undergarments.  And you would be too if you lost yours!  The whole thing is entertaining to my family and friends.  You see, when I was a little girl, I had a babysitter named Jennifer.  She said “Brittany, don’t ever wear ugly underwear.  I was electrocuted as a child and all I could think about when the paramedics cut my clothes off was that my underwear were embarrassingly patriotic.  They were red, white and blue.”  I have never ever forgotten that story and I took it to heart. I never wear ugly underwear.  So once I calmed down after the fire had been put out, I thought “If I had to be running around down my street in my underwear, at least they were cute!”  And they were adorable. Ha ha.  Actually, once 911 had been called, I finally my asked my neighbor for pants.  Patrick took forever to get me pants, so I kept yelling "Please!  Pants!!!"  Later, he said he thought I was yelling "Pots and pans!"  I guess he thought I was going to put out the roof with water from pots and pans. 

Where Do We Go From Here?

I am looking for temporary housing in my school district.  We will be there for about six months while my house is being rebuilt.  I am in a hotel right now while the kids stay at Don's; more stability.  My goal right now is to find a house to rent because the sooner I do that, the sooner I have my kids and can work toward normalcy.  I have to do inventory on my house and turn it into insurance, which I have heard will be the most grueling of the process.  They will then gut my house and rebuild....but I am not even thinking about that yet because I am just thinking about tomorrow.

Again.....

 Please, please, PLEASE understand how thankful I am to all of you.  With every single call, text, Facebook message, and "like", I feel support.  You have all been generous with your time, your donations and money and I will never be the same person.  From old friends to new friends to people I have never met, to local businesses, even my yoga class...I can't believe everyone who has been there for me.  Thank you. 

There really are angels among me.  Don't forget that.